Whoa, A Deer, A Kick-Ass Deer

A wild deer that wandered into the lion enclosure at the Washington DC Zoo, survived being attacked by the lions and managed to escape by jumping into a moat and swimming to safety, was put down by zookeepers today. So you know your favorite grandma who survived World War II, pancreatic cancer, and a bout of pneumonia? Don’t take her to the Washington DC Zoo.

Cheney's WMDs (Weapons Of Moist Decadence)

MSNBC host and liberal commentator Mika Brzezisnski got a surprise today after a package of cupcakes from Dick Cheney was delivered to her on air. The package was accompanied by a note from the former vice president reading: “Hope you like the cupcakes! And there is definitely no Polonium in them. No sir-ee. No Polonium whatsoever. Who said anything about Polonium? I certainly didn’t, so just eat them okay? And burn this note too. But burn it before you eat the cupcakes, because... well just do it. Thanks! Dickey.”

The Work Of The 'Tee' Party Movement?

Police are investigating after Barack Obama’s name and a swastika and were found carved into the green of a Lakeville Massachusetts golf course. The groundskeeper who discovered the message was quoted as saying “I’m shocked that someone would carve that symbol on our course - especially since golf has always been such a multicultural and inclusive sport.”

Maybe It Was Palm Sunday

Pope Benedict fractured his right wrist today after he allegedly “fell” while he was alone in the bathroom. So to everyone who has ever wondered if the Pope masturbates: Maybe?

Wishful Thinking

A creepy white woman died today, raising hopes that the Michael Jackson everyone used to love would be found alive in her basement and released.

Maybe That's Where Pinochio Came From

Karen Sala, a 46 year old woman from the rural city of Barrie, Canada, has filed a paternity and spousal support suit against Keanu Reeves, accusing the lackluster actor of having fathered her now adult children. A lawyer for Reeves called the woman’s claims “absurd”, adding that his client has never met Mrs. Sala, let alone had intercourse with her. Mrs. Sala was quick to disagree, saying “Oh yeah? Well I still have the splinters to prove it!”

And In The Next Issue: Cartoon Prenups!

After nearly 65 years of bachelorhood, Archie Andrews, the protagonist of the famed “Archie” comic book series, has finally decided to propose to rich brunette, Veronica Lodge - choosing her over girl-next-door Betty Cooper. Good news for all those men who have always wondered how long you can date two girls simultaneously before having to seriously commit to one of them, and hoped the answer was ‘a crazy-long time’.

Correction: It has been brought to our attention that men who seek relationship guidance from comic books are almost certainly never going to need to worry about having a woman in their life, let alone two to choose between, and as such the previous article may be disregarded.

Monkey Shines

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. This also marks the first time that ‘Fog Machine’ has been bumped from the top spot on the list of ‘Coolest Things You can Rent for your High School Dance’.

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest research project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. Said the monkey “Hey! Parkinson’s! That’s great. But why don’t you test some sleeping pills on me instead? Do you know how long I’ve been awake? I’m like a lightbulb that never turns off - it’s some real Guantanamo Bay shit yo! I mean the even the inside of my eyelids glow for fuck’s sake. I know it was really hard to get that gene out of the Jellyfish and to stick it in me - and congratulations on figuring it out - but do you know what I have that Jellyfish don’t? Eyes! You furless pink fuckers are certifiable psychos! I swear to god, if I ever get out of my cage I am going to find the dirtiest, most diseased lab rat I can and I’m going to staple it to your face. Then you can see how much fun it is being a hybrid freak. Monkey out!”

What's French For "Con Artists Posing As A Religion"?

The Church of Scientology is on trial in France facing charges of fraud stemming from the case of a hotel worker who claims that the organization pressured her to spend her life savings on “purification packs” and vitamins. A Scientology representative defended the costs, saying “Well of course those supplies cost an arm and a leg. Do you have any idea of what the fuel surcharges are like on orders shipped from the planet Xenukron VII? Trust me, if there was a manufacturer in China that could supply us with quality anti-Thetan tablets, we’d be all over that like Tom Cruise on a couch. Is that reference still relevant by the way? They don’t let us out much.”

I Always Wondered Why 'The Official Straw Of RedBull' Was A Rolled Up Dollar Bill

The popular energy drink, RedBull, has been banned in certain parts of Germany after test samples were determined to contain trace amounts of cocaine. Said a spokesperson for the RedBull company “Well now that the cat is out of the bag, I guess we don’t need to add that bullshit Ginseng anymore.”

Dull and Duller

Universal Pictures has announced that Keanu Reeves will star in the new film version of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. A producer on the project said of the casting decision, “We needed an actor versatile enough to deliver both the wooden intensity of Dr. Jekyll and the intense woodenness of Mr. Hyde, and we think Keanu is just the right person for the job.”

Blow an' Gasquet

French tennis star Richard Gasquet tested positive for Cocaine use during a routine drug test this week and as a result faces a two year ban from the sport’s professional league. Although many are disappointed by the news, it does finally explain why Gasquet repeatedly tried to snort the foul line.

I'm Sorry, For A Second There It Sounded Like You Said Something Progressive

In a speech given during a stop in Amman, Jordan, the Pope stated that he deplored “the ideological manipulation of religion”. Shortly thereafter, hospitals around the world were flooded with alcohol poisoning victims, apparently due to a popular irony-themed drinking game in which the head of the Catholic Church denouncing ideological manipulation is worth fifty shots.

We Are Not Amused

The Queen was royally embarrassed this week after one of her racing horses, ‘Moonlit Path’, failed a doping test and was disqualified from competition. Prince Charles was even more disappointed after officials informed him that his entry, ‘Camilla Baby’, was not in fact entirely a horse.

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White, Or Plastic

Michael Jackson’s former publicist, Raymone Bain, filed a 44 million dollar lawsuit against the pop-star on Wednesday, alleging Jackson failed to pay her for her services. When asked if she regretted having been the public face for Michael Jackson, Mrs. Bain replied “Just to be accurate, yes I regret being Mr. Jackson’s public representative. Mr. Jackson’s ‘public face’ is in a jar of formaldehyde beside his bed.”

Big Box Baby Brouhaha

A woman accused of abandoning her newborn baby after giving birth in a Walmart bathroom stall was put on trial this week. Although many are shocked by the allegations, Marty Rubenstein, the janitor who discovered the infant, was surprisingly nonchalant in his testimony, “Well to tell you the truth, a placenta covered infant lying in a pool of blood still only ranks as the seventh or eighth most unpleasant thing I’ve had to clean up off of a Walmart bathroom floor.”

Even The Chinese Economy Is Going Up In Smoke

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy. Said one relieved worker, “Oh thank god! For a second there I thought they were going to make us lick our own toys!”

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy - which at least means that all those Hubeian workers who were concerned about not having any savings or pension plan for their retirement years probably won’t have to worry about that anymore.

...And Michael Moore Is A Secret Agent For The RNC!

A new study conducted by Ohio State University has discovered that conservatives are more likely to believe that popular political comedian Stephen Colbert only pretends to use parody on his show ‘The Colbert Report’ and that his views are in fact genuinely hard-right. The study also concluded those same conservatives are more likely to rock themselves in a fetal position while trapped in an internal self-constructed reality where John McCain is president, Sarah Palin shoots abortionists from a helicopter, and Ronald Reagan has come back from the dead to be Secretary of Everything.

Apparently The Only Black President They Recognize Is The One On '24'

Fox has raised eyebrows by being the only major network to turn down President Barack Obama’s request to air his prime time address to the nation, opting instead to broadcast their drama series ‘Lie to Me’. A Fox News representative quickly corrected the story, saying “I apologize for the confusion; we are indeed going to air President Obama's address, but keeping with Fox’s editorial policy we have decided to also call it ‘Lie to Me’.”

White Noise Wedding

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Although the ceremony was reported to have gone smoothly, many were surprised when the priest asked Heidi “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? And just to be clear about this, I am a real priest so if you say ‘yes’ you will still be married to this royal tool even after your show is cancelled.”

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Shortly before their departure from the wedding reception, the newlywed couple made the strange request of having a director, camera man, boom mic operator, and lighting technician join them in their honeymoon suite so that it would “feel natural”.

That Would Have Been The Perfect Time For A Tree To Fall In A Forest - And Crush Them

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt met disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevic yesterday and were photographed together in publicity shots for the upcoming reality series “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”. Although the photos appear to show the trio in a cordial and friendly mood, a source reports that off-set Pratt and Blagojevic got into a heated debate and nearly came to blows after both claimed to be America’s most famous douchebag.

I'd Like To Teach The World To Swing

After only two months in the public spotlight, Coca Cola has pulled their latest advertising slogan, “Open Happiness”. A spokesperson for the company addressed the decision, saying “Look, we didn’t mean ‘open happiness’ THAT way. Please stop telling your wives that Coca Cola said you could have sex outside your marriage.”

Surprisingly, Pepsi has decided not to bow to similar pressure and will continue to use their current slogan: “Pepsi. We Think Hookers are Pretty Cool.”

Because There Is Nothing Children Want To Read About More Than The Daily Life Of A Creepy Old Man In A Robe

As part of the celebrations for the Pope’s 82nd birthday, the Vatican published a new illustrated children’s book that outlines the daily routine of the ageing Pontiff. A leaked draft edition of the book revealed these schedule details from the Pope’s private daytimer:

6:00 am: Wake up.
6:03 am: Stare at morning wood wistfully.
6:05 am: Pray for an end to hunger, war, and poverty - and for a pony.
6:30 am: Sneak into Cardinals’ bedrooms. Wake them up by putting shaving cream on their hands, then tickling their noses.
7:00 am: Breakfast of bacon, ham, and sausage.
7:03 am: Feel sorry for Jews and Muslims because of their dietary restrictions.
7:45 am: Extended bathroom session due to greasy runs.
7:47 am: Seriously consider becoming a Jew or Muslim for their dietary restrictions.
8:43 am: Wipe and walk it off. Time to shake and bake, baby.
8:55 am: Pick hat for the day. Modest skull cap or “Tower of Power”? Go with big hat - I’m feeling saucy!
9:00 am: Go wave from balcony. Give blessing in Esperanto for fun.
9:30 am: Settle down with big bowl of Froot Loops and watch Spongebob DVDs.
11:00 am: Go meet world leaders, greet dignitaries, sign stuff, and other miscellaneous BS.
1:00 pm: Lunch in the caf. Today’s choices: “Lamb of God” with mint sauce, or “The Lord is my Shepherd’s Pie”.
1:12 pm: Start jello fight with Desmond Tutu.
2:00 pm: Smiling lessons with Hernando. He’s hilarious!
2:30 pm: Bitch session with the Bishops over pedis and wine re: gays and female priests.
4:00 pm: Lock self in office with secretly obtained condoms. Try to figure out what the big deal is.
4:04 pm: Balloon animals!
4:20 pm: Less shaking, more baking - if you know what I mean.
4:55 pm: Dump ashes and return dangly incense thingy to basilica.
5:10 pm: Go in search of ANYTHING with melted cheese on it.
5:30 pm: Prank call Richard Dawkins. That guy is such a sphincter!
5:45 pm: Curl up in comfy chair and catch up on a few chapters of Harry Potter.
6:30 pm: Dinner. Mac and cheese with sliced hot dog and ketchup. My favourite!
6:55 pm: Make popcorn for movie night with the Nuns. Pray they didn’t pick ‘Sister Act’ again.
7:00 pm: ‘March of the Penguins’! Those Nuns are droll...
9:00 pm: Watch news. See if I’m on.
9:30 pm: Retire to private chambers.
9:35 pm: Dial first six digits of ex-girlfriend’s number. Hang up.
9:45 pm: Get ready for bed. Catch sight of naked self in mirror while changing.
9:48 pm: Masturbate furiously.
10:00 pm: Cry self to sleep.

Where Was Susan Boyle When They Needed Her?

The first ever YouTube Symphony Orchestra made their debut at Carnegie Hall this week. Unfortunately the orchestra, whose members were selected based on votes cast by YouTube viewers, got less than favourable reviews. Said conductor Michael Tilson-Thomas “Next year we are going to be a little more selective about who the viewers can vote for. It’s hard to do justice to Beethoven’s 9th when your percussion section is a fat kid with a lightsaber and your first violins are a bunch of cats playing in cardboard boxes. And don’t get me started on the concert master. All he did was cry and tell me to leave Britney alone, and I don’t even know who that is. In fact the only real musician we got was some guy named Rick Astley, except he only knew one song and kept singing it in the middle of other pieces. The whole experiment was a disaster - although I will admit that the skateboarding dog was a surprisingly quick study at the clarinet. I might just invite him back next year.”

Jumbo Jet Setters Seethe

Overweight activists are protesting a decision by several airlines to force passengers who are so obese that they take up two seats, to pay for a second fare. Said airline representative Jeremy Portsnap “Oh the fatties are protesting huh? What are they going to do? Go on a hunger strike? Zing! But seriously, I’ll tell you what: I’ll reverse the decision - but only if one of the protesters can catch me first. Oh, I’m terrible! What is an overweight activist anyway? A lard-ass who wanted any excuse to be able to use the word ‘active’ and their own name in the same sentence? Too much, too much! But these guys can really throw their weight around when they want to. Groan! Seriously though, did you know you can’t call it the Goodyear Blimp anymore? Nope, because of these jelly-rolls you have to call it the ‘Goodyear Airship of Substantial but Acceptable Proportions’. Ha! I kid of course. I do have sympathy for these folks though; my own aunt was a giant blubbery whale. She passed away recently but we haven’t buried her yet. They started digging the grave a month ago and it’s still not big enough! Zowee! I’ve got a million of ’em!”
Mr. Portsnap was later fired.