The Daily Indigestion - All the News That's Fit to Satirize - Following in the footsteps of The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Onion, and SNL's Weekend Update, The Daily Indigestion takes on the news and entertainment stories of the day with a skewed view and a sharp wit. All original material, nothing recycled.

Following in the footsteps of The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Onion, and SNL's Weekend Update, The Daily Indigestion takes on the news and entertainment stories of the day with a skewed view and a sharp wit. And it's all original material - nothing recycled.

Friday, May 30, 2008

This Fox Has Fleas

A Fox News employee is suing the company after being repeatedly bitten by bed bugs at work. Although the lawsuit story itself is of little importance, scientists are now curious to determine if bed bugs have an instinctual ability to identify and attack shitty journalism.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Et Tu McClellan?

President Bush was said to be "puzzled" by an advance copy of a harshly critical new memoir by former Press Secretary and Bush loyalist, Scott McClellan - until White House aides explained to the President that if you open the hard flat outside and read all the little black marks on the white bits inside, it tells a story.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

What do Tom Jones and Oppressive Southeast Asian Regimes Have in Common?

Praying on the Burmese Generals' superstitious fears that contact with women's underwear will sap them of power, hundreds of female protesters have sent their panties to Burmese embassies all over the world. As a result of the unusual protest, Burmese government offices are receiving frequent calls from thirty year old ‘bachelors' and ‘World of Warcraft enthusiasts' offering to open local branches of the Burmese embassy in their parents' basement.

Would You Care For Some Brains With Your Wafer?

The Catholic church has decreed that a theatrical "Zombie Parade" in the Spanish town of Toledo is blasphemous. The actors defended the event by saying "Oh sure, worship the guy who dies and comes back to life, and then honour him by eating his ‘body' and drinking his ‘blood' at communion. Yeah, our Zombie parade is really out of line with Catholicism."

Because the National Maple Syrup Reserve Won't Guard Itself

This week Canada announced the formation of a new secret-service division of their military. A spokesperson for the government was unable to give out many details about the program due to its highly classified status, but was able to say that "We think Doug will do a great job."

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Arrest This Development

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The bad news: It's going to star Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The good news: the US military will finally have an alternative to waterboarding.

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. At a news conference, the show's producers described it as "a hip, modern, urban comedy about two intelligent and attractive middle aged women", which prompted one journalist to ask "So who do Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher play?".

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. When the producers were unable to find professional writers willing to pen the first episode, they outsourced the script to a factory in China. The pilot, titled "Much Great Adventure of Cat-Voice and Potato-Face: Funny Housing Arrangement Trouble Yes!", is slated to go into production by mid June.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

You've Never Seen So Many 12 Year Olds Run To The Washroom

Carmen Electra has unveiled a new portable stripper pole that she plans on selling under her personal brand name. Although many are skeptical of her claims that it is primarily intended for exercise purposes, everyone agrees that her son's private boys' school is going to have the best damn "Parent Career Day" ever.

Rising to the Flop

David Cook has won the American Idol title and the grand prize that comes with it: his own solo album. In preparation for the album, composers are already hashing out melodies, recording executives are planning marketing campaigns, directors are story-boarding music videos, and CD stores are dusting off their "Clearance: 75% Off" signs.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No Wonder Al Gore Quit Politics

During a recent radio interview, Hillary Clinton cited the example of the Florida recount fiasco from the 2000 Presidential election to bolster her argument that Florida and Michigan must be seated at the Democratic convention and that the number of delegates required to reach the majority is actually 2210, and not 2026 according to the current rules. The radio host asked her "You are talking about the recount where, thanks to some creative accounting, power-brokering, and fudging of the rules, the candidate with the majority of support had the rug pulled out from under his feet by the petulant runner-up, right?", to which Mrs. Clinton replied, "Fuck you."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame the Gays

California's State Supreme Court has overturned a ban on same sex unions, paving the way for legalized gay marriage in the state. Christian conservatives are outraged saying, "Okay so we were wrong about the earth being flat, and the geocentric universe, and the Spanish inquisition, and the Crusades, and witches, and evolution, but we are sure about this one. Definitely a sin. I can feel my traditional marriage being threatened as we speak."

Friday, May 9, 2008

At Least They Didn't Have to Call an Ambulance

RCMP officers in Kamloops, BC tasered an 82 year old man - three times - while he was in hospital with pneumonia. One of the RCMP officers involved paints the incident as an act of heroism, saying "We tasered him to save his life actually. The old man's heart stopped while we were beating him with our nightsticks, so instead of waiting for some useless doctor to show up with a defibrillator, we gave him a shot of juice then and there. Those taser guns are a heck of a lot more fun to use than boring old paddles anyway. Not that the old coot deserved the help. You know he stole the fruit cup from the man in the bed beside him? Sure the guy is in a coma, but it's still his fruit cup, and anyone who doesn't respect that fact gets what's coming to him. I'll tell you, if it weren't for the RCMP, this country would be overrun by goons and savages drunk on authority."

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Faster Than a Speeding Campaign Bus

In a campaign speech, John McCain vowed to fight "evil" if he were to be elected president. Fearing the implications of his vague statement, the Republican election committee made McCain promise that he will under no circumstances dress up like a super hero, especially not in spandex tights that would reveal too much visual information about his 72 year old prostate.

It Was a Lovely Wedding Until Cheney Shot the Cake

George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is married in Crawford Texas. Those close to the President believe the possibility of him becoming a grandfather is already mellowing him out, citing his recent comments on official interrogation techniques: "Let's bump them down a notch from ‘Cruel and Unusual' to just ‘Cruel'."

And Keep Your Eyes Open For Mother Theresa Too

The Washington Post has obtained a copy of the U.S. Terror Watch List and discovered that Nelson Mandela is among those listed as a threat. Although embarrassed, one U.S. State Department official offered an awkward explanation, "I mean this dude basically orchestrated a complete shift of power in a white-dominated, post-colonial, racially-divided country founded on slavery - while he was inside prison! I know I feel threatened by that. I like my government pension, thank you very much." The official was later fired.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Indiana Seniors Keep Clinton On Life Support

Voters over 65 deliver a squeaker win for Hillary Clinton in the Indiana Primary that would have otherwise sealed the Democratic nomination for Barack Obama. One elderly woman commented on her key role in the upset, saying, "That'll teach you young whipper snappers to stay off my lawn. Now where is my pudding coupon? I was promised that if I voted for her I'd get a coupon for pudding! I don't care for chocolate pudding anymore. It used to taste better in the thirties. Butterscotch, now there's a pudding flavour. Do they still make McMurphy's Butterscotch Pudding? They don't? Well isn't that a shame. The world is going to pot. Yessiree. Straight to hell in a handbasket. First pudding, then the bomb, and now viagara. If I wanted my husband to take an interest in my lady parts at this age, I'd stick a can of Ensure up there. Oh there's room alright. I wish they'd print the Ensure labels larger though. You can barely read them anymore, what with all the tiny charts and ingredient lists. That reminds me, have you seen my glasses? I thought I had them with me but... Oh heavens to betsy! They're right on top of my head. Honestly sometimes I think I'd lose my nose if it weren't attached to my... my... oh what's that word? The uh... drat. I've lost it. No matter. Time for my nap anyway."

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Glass 71% Empty

President George W. Bush has hit a record high disapproval rating of 71 percent. After being informed that even Nixon never received a rating that poor, Bush is now seriously considering breaking into the Democratic Party election offices in order to boost his image.
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About this Blog: Following in the footsteps of The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Onion, and SNL's Weekend Update, The Daily Indigestion takes on the news and entertainment stories of the day using the tools of comedy, satire, and humor. All material is original - nothing recycled.