Whoa, A Deer, A Kick-Ass Deer

A wild deer that wandered into the lion enclosure at the Washington DC Zoo, survived being attacked by the lions and managed to escape by jumping into a moat and swimming to safety, was put down by zookeepers today. So you know your favorite grandma who survived World War II, pancreatic cancer, and a bout of pneumonia? Don’t take her to the Washington DC Zoo.

Cheney's WMDs (Weapons Of Moist Decadence)

MSNBC host and liberal commentator Mika Brzezisnski got a surprise today after a package of cupcakes from Dick Cheney was delivered to her on air. The package was accompanied by a note from the former vice president reading: “Hope you like the cupcakes! And there is definitely no Polonium in them. No sir-ee. No Polonium whatsoever. Who said anything about Polonium? I certainly didn’t, so just eat them okay? And burn this note too. But burn it before you eat the cupcakes, because... well just do it. Thanks! Dickey.”

The Work Of The 'Tee' Party Movement?

Police are investigating after Barack Obama’s name and a swastika and were found carved into the green of a Lakeville Massachusetts golf course. The groundskeeper who discovered the message was quoted as saying “I’m shocked that someone would carve that symbol on our course - especially since golf has always been such a multicultural and inclusive sport.”

Maybe It Was Palm Sunday

Pope Benedict fractured his right wrist today after he allegedly “fell” while he was alone in the bathroom. So to everyone who has ever wondered if the Pope masturbates: Maybe?

Wishful Thinking

A creepy white woman died today, raising hopes that the Michael Jackson everyone used to love would be found alive in her basement and released.

Maybe That's Where Pinochio Came From

Karen Sala, a 46 year old woman from the rural city of Barrie, Canada, has filed a paternity and spousal support suit against Keanu Reeves, accusing the lackluster actor of having fathered her now adult children. A lawyer for Reeves called the woman’s claims “absurd”, adding that his client has never met Mrs. Sala, let alone had intercourse with her. Mrs. Sala was quick to disagree, saying “Oh yeah? Well I still have the splinters to prove it!”

And In The Next Issue: Cartoon Prenups!

After nearly 65 years of bachelorhood, Archie Andrews, the protagonist of the famed “Archie” comic book series, has finally decided to propose to rich brunette, Veronica Lodge - choosing her over girl-next-door Betty Cooper. Good news for all those men who have always wondered how long you can date two girls simultaneously before having to seriously commit to one of them, and hoped the answer was ‘a crazy-long time’.

Correction: It has been brought to our attention that men who seek relationship guidance from comic books are almost certainly never going to need to worry about having a woman in their life, let alone two to choose between, and as such the previous article may be disregarded.

Monkey Shines

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. This also marks the first time that ‘Fog Machine’ has been bumped from the top spot on the list of ‘Coolest Things You can Rent for your High School Dance’.

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest research project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. Said the monkey “Hey! Parkinson’s! That’s great. But why don’t you test some sleeping pills on me instead? Do you know how long I’ve been awake? I’m like a lightbulb that never turns off - it’s some real Guantanamo Bay shit yo! I mean the even the inside of my eyelids glow for fuck’s sake. I know it was really hard to get that gene out of the Jellyfish and to stick it in me - and congratulations on figuring it out - but do you know what I have that Jellyfish don’t? Eyes! You furless pink fuckers are certifiable psychos! I swear to god, if I ever get out of my cage I am going to find the dirtiest, most diseased lab rat I can and I’m going to staple it to your face. Then you can see how much fun it is being a hybrid freak. Monkey out!”

What's French For "Con Artists Posing As A Religion"?

The Church of Scientology is on trial in France facing charges of fraud stemming from the case of a hotel worker who claims that the organization pressured her to spend her life savings on “purification packs” and vitamins. A Scientology representative defended the costs, saying “Well of course those supplies cost an arm and a leg. Do you have any idea of what the fuel surcharges are like on orders shipped from the planet Xenukron VII? Trust me, if there was a manufacturer in China that could supply us with quality anti-Thetan tablets, we’d be all over that like Tom Cruise on a couch. Is that reference still relevant by the way? They don’t let us out much.”

I Always Wondered Why 'The Official Straw Of RedBull' Was A Rolled Up Dollar Bill

The popular energy drink, RedBull, has been banned in certain parts of Germany after test samples were determined to contain trace amounts of cocaine. Said a spokesperson for the RedBull company “Well now that the cat is out of the bag, I guess we don’t need to add that bullshit Ginseng anymore.”

Dull and Duller

Universal Pictures has announced that Keanu Reeves will star in the new film version of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. A producer on the project said of the casting decision, “We needed an actor versatile enough to deliver both the wooden intensity of Dr. Jekyll and the intense woodenness of Mr. Hyde, and we think Keanu is just the right person for the job.”

Blow an' Gasquet

French tennis star Richard Gasquet tested positive for Cocaine use during a routine drug test this week and as a result faces a two year ban from the sport’s professional league. Although many are disappointed by the news, it does finally explain why Gasquet repeatedly tried to snort the foul line.

I'm Sorry, For A Second There It Sounded Like You Said Something Progressive

In a speech given during a stop in Amman, Jordan, the Pope stated that he deplored “the ideological manipulation of religion”. Shortly thereafter, hospitals around the world were flooded with alcohol poisoning victims, apparently due to a popular irony-themed drinking game in which the head of the Catholic Church denouncing ideological manipulation is worth fifty shots.

We Are Not Amused

The Queen was royally embarrassed this week after one of her racing horses, ‘Moonlit Path’, failed a doping test and was disqualified from competition. Prince Charles was even more disappointed after officials informed him that his entry, ‘Camilla Baby’, was not in fact entirely a horse.

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White, Or Plastic

Michael Jackson’s former publicist, Raymone Bain, filed a 44 million dollar lawsuit against the pop-star on Wednesday, alleging Jackson failed to pay her for her services. When asked if she regretted having been the public face for Michael Jackson, Mrs. Bain replied “Just to be accurate, yes I regret being Mr. Jackson’s public representative. Mr. Jackson’s ‘public face’ is in a jar of formaldehyde beside his bed.”

Big Box Baby Brouhaha

A woman accused of abandoning her newborn baby after giving birth in a Walmart bathroom stall was put on trial this week. Although many are shocked by the allegations, Marty Rubenstein, the janitor who discovered the infant, was surprisingly nonchalant in his testimony, “Well to tell you the truth, a placenta covered infant lying in a pool of blood still only ranks as the seventh or eighth most unpleasant thing I’ve had to clean up off of a Walmart bathroom floor.”

Even The Chinese Economy Is Going Up In Smoke

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy. Said one relieved worker, “Oh thank god! For a second there I thought they were going to make us lick our own toys!”

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy - which at least means that all those Hubeian workers who were concerned about not having any savings or pension plan for their retirement years probably won’t have to worry about that anymore.

...And Michael Moore Is A Secret Agent For The RNC!

A new study conducted by Ohio State University has discovered that conservatives are more likely to believe that popular political comedian Stephen Colbert only pretends to use parody on his show ‘The Colbert Report’ and that his views are in fact genuinely hard-right. The study also concluded those same conservatives are more likely to rock themselves in a fetal position while trapped in an internal self-constructed reality where John McCain is president, Sarah Palin shoots abortionists from a helicopter, and Ronald Reagan has come back from the dead to be Secretary of Everything.

Apparently The Only Black President They Recognize Is The One On '24'

Fox has raised eyebrows by being the only major network to turn down President Barack Obama’s request to air his prime time address to the nation, opting instead to broadcast their drama series ‘Lie to Me’. A Fox News representative quickly corrected the story, saying “I apologize for the confusion; we are indeed going to air President Obama's address, but keeping with Fox’s editorial policy we have decided to also call it ‘Lie to Me’.”

White Noise Wedding

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Although the ceremony was reported to have gone smoothly, many were surprised when the priest asked Heidi “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? And just to be clear about this, I am a real priest so if you say ‘yes’ you will still be married to this royal tool even after your show is cancelled.”

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Shortly before their departure from the wedding reception, the newlywed couple made the strange request of having a director, camera man, boom mic operator, and lighting technician join them in their honeymoon suite so that it would “feel natural”.

That Would Have Been The Perfect Time For A Tree To Fall In A Forest - And Crush Them

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt met disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevic yesterday and were photographed together in publicity shots for the upcoming reality series “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”. Although the photos appear to show the trio in a cordial and friendly mood, a source reports that off-set Pratt and Blagojevic got into a heated debate and nearly came to blows after both claimed to be America’s most famous douchebag.

I'd Like To Teach The World To Swing

After only two months in the public spotlight, Coca Cola has pulled their latest advertising slogan, “Open Happiness”. A spokesperson for the company addressed the decision, saying “Look, we didn’t mean ‘open happiness’ THAT way. Please stop telling your wives that Coca Cola said you could have sex outside your marriage.”

Surprisingly, Pepsi has decided not to bow to similar pressure and will continue to use their current slogan: “Pepsi. We Think Hookers are Pretty Cool.”

Because There Is Nothing Children Want To Read About More Than The Daily Life Of A Creepy Old Man In A Robe

As part of the celebrations for the Pope’s 82nd birthday, the Vatican published a new illustrated children’s book that outlines the daily routine of the ageing Pontiff. A leaked draft edition of the book revealed these schedule details from the Pope’s private daytimer:

6:00 am: Wake up.
6:03 am: Stare at morning wood wistfully.
6:05 am: Pray for an end to hunger, war, and poverty - and for a pony.
6:30 am: Sneak into Cardinals’ bedrooms. Wake them up by putting shaving cream on their hands, then tickling their noses.
7:00 am: Breakfast of bacon, ham, and sausage.
7:03 am: Feel sorry for Jews and Muslims because of their dietary restrictions.
7:45 am: Extended bathroom session due to greasy runs.
7:47 am: Seriously consider becoming a Jew or Muslim for their dietary restrictions.
8:43 am: Wipe and walk it off. Time to shake and bake, baby.
8:55 am: Pick hat for the day. Modest skull cap or “Tower of Power”? Go with big hat - I’m feeling saucy!
9:00 am: Go wave from balcony. Give blessing in Esperanto for fun.
9:30 am: Settle down with big bowl of Froot Loops and watch Spongebob DVDs.
11:00 am: Go meet world leaders, greet dignitaries, sign stuff, and other miscellaneous BS.
1:00 pm: Lunch in the caf. Today’s choices: “Lamb of God” with mint sauce, or “The Lord is my Shepherd’s Pie”.
1:12 pm: Start jello fight with Desmond Tutu.
2:00 pm: Smiling lessons with Hernando. He’s hilarious!
2:30 pm: Bitch session with the Bishops over pedis and wine re: gays and female priests.
4:00 pm: Lock self in office with secretly obtained condoms. Try to figure out what the big deal is.
4:04 pm: Balloon animals!
4:20 pm: Less shaking, more baking - if you know what I mean.
4:55 pm: Dump ashes and return dangly incense thingy to basilica.
5:10 pm: Go in search of ANYTHING with melted cheese on it.
5:30 pm: Prank call Richard Dawkins. That guy is such a sphincter!
5:45 pm: Curl up in comfy chair and catch up on a few chapters of Harry Potter.
6:30 pm: Dinner. Mac and cheese with sliced hot dog and ketchup. My favourite!
6:55 pm: Make popcorn for movie night with the Nuns. Pray they didn’t pick ‘Sister Act’ again.
7:00 pm: ‘March of the Penguins’! Those Nuns are droll...
9:00 pm: Watch news. See if I’m on.
9:30 pm: Retire to private chambers.
9:35 pm: Dial first six digits of ex-girlfriend’s number. Hang up.
9:45 pm: Get ready for bed. Catch sight of naked self in mirror while changing.
9:48 pm: Masturbate furiously.
10:00 pm: Cry self to sleep.

Where Was Susan Boyle When They Needed Her?

The first ever YouTube Symphony Orchestra made their debut at Carnegie Hall this week. Unfortunately the orchestra, whose members were selected based on votes cast by YouTube viewers, got less than favourable reviews. Said conductor Michael Tilson-Thomas “Next year we are going to be a little more selective about who the viewers can vote for. It’s hard to do justice to Beethoven’s 9th when your percussion section is a fat kid with a lightsaber and your first violins are a bunch of cats playing in cardboard boxes. And don’t get me started on the concert master. All he did was cry and tell me to leave Britney alone, and I don’t even know who that is. In fact the only real musician we got was some guy named Rick Astley, except he only knew one song and kept singing it in the middle of other pieces. The whole experiment was a disaster - although I will admit that the skateboarding dog was a surprisingly quick study at the clarinet. I might just invite him back next year.”

Jumbo Jet Setters Seethe

Overweight activists are protesting a decision by several airlines to force passengers who are so obese that they take up two seats, to pay for a second fare. Said airline representative Jeremy Portsnap “Oh the fatties are protesting huh? What are they going to do? Go on a hunger strike? Zing! But seriously, I’ll tell you what: I’ll reverse the decision - but only if one of the protesters can catch me first. Oh, I’m terrible! What is an overweight activist anyway? A lard-ass who wanted any excuse to be able to use the word ‘active’ and their own name in the same sentence? Too much, too much! But these guys can really throw their weight around when they want to. Groan! Seriously though, did you know you can’t call it the Goodyear Blimp anymore? Nope, because of these jelly-rolls you have to call it the ‘Goodyear Airship of Substantial but Acceptable Proportions’. Ha! I kid of course. I do have sympathy for these folks though; my own aunt was a giant blubbery whale. She passed away recently but we haven’t buried her yet. They started digging the grave a month ago and it’s still not big enough! Zowee! I’ve got a million of ’em!”
Mr. Portsnap was later fired.

If The Teenage Shoe Fits...

The new Zac Ephron movie, “17 Again” is set to hit theatres this week. Contrary to popular belief, the title was not based on what Zac Ephron yelled at his agent after asking him how old his character was going to be.

Barack No-Bomb-a

US President Barack Obama used the spotlight of the G20 summit this week to outline his ambitious vision of a world free of nuclear arms and encouraged nations to start disarming their existing warheads. Said Iran and North Korea “Oh my god, aren’t you just adorable? But seriously, we don’t have any nukes so we’re cool. You just go ahead and disarm your missiles and let us know when you’re done.”

Most Conservative Nut Jobs Just Shoot Their Mouths Off

A Pittsburgh man who was worried that Barack Obama was planning to ban guns, shot and killed three police officers after barricading himself in his home with a massive arsenal of weapons. When asked if he thought that going crazy and single-handedly killing three officers of the law might actually convince many that a ban on guns is a pretty good idea, the man replied “D’oh!”.

A Pittsburgh man who was worried that Barack Obama was planning to ban guns, shot and killed three police officers after barricading himself in his home with a massive arsenal of weapons. The man has been awarded the Chalmers Prize for Ironic Counter-Productivity, joining such previous winners as “Tobacco companies counter smoking bans with new line of extra-cancerous cigarettes”, “Auto manufacturers respond to tougher emission standards by giving 100 orphans medically induced asthma” and “Exxon to refurbish public image after notorious Valdez spill by opening baby seal shooting range.”

Those Persistent Palins

Alaskan governor Sarah Palin’s sister-in-law, Diana Palin was arrested this week after breaking in and robbing the same house, not once, but twice. When she was asked why she broke in a second time, Palin answered “Well I wanted to encourage my sister-in-law. Just because you do something stupid and embarrassing once, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again. 2012 bitches!”

Cooking The Book And Lyrics

Former Broadway producers Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb were found guilty of fraud this week after an investigation determined that the financial statements of their once successful company, Livent, were frequently tampered with. In his ruling the judge proclaimed “Sadly, your situation reminds me of one of my favourite movies, The Producers. And like the characters Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom, you too will be going to jail.” after which Gottlieb leaned over to Drabinsky and whispered “I told you we should have watched it to the end!”

A Basketball Player Being A Douchebag? Now There's A Surprise

NBA star Chris Bosh has come under fire for denying being the father of his ex-girlfriend’s baby and refusing to pay for child support - this despite the fact that he arranged for the fertility drugs that helped his ex-girlfriend get pregnant and a DNA test proving the child is his. Nevertheless Bosh maintained his defence, saying “There is no resemblance between me and that baby. Look at me, I’m six foot ten and 230 pounds. That baby is like a foot and a half tall and five pounds at most. Anybody that thinks that we are related is dumber than Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal put together. I’d call the creature Shaqles O’Kley! Or Charille Barneal! Ooh that one rhymes! I am a fancy man. Who wants to have sex with me? I’ll buy you fertility drugs if you do!”

The Pope May Be Old And Feeble, But At Least His Grasp On Logic Is Firm

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.” An aide quickly whispered something in the Pope’s ear, to which he replied “Seriously? I thought AIDS was just the medical term for ‘foreskin dryness’. Boy, I am really not well informed, am I?”

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.”, adding, “As always, I recommend sexual abstinence - because really, why should I have to suffer alone?”

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.” adding, “And as long as I’m on a roll here: the Gays invented cancer, reading Darwin causes blindness, and Protestants are all donkey fuckers. Yeah, that’s right, progressive intellectuals, this Pope has cojones. Bring it on!”

The Animators Better Start Learning How To Draw A Training Bra

Nickelodeon, the company behind Dora the Explorer has decided to turn the popular character into a teenager in order to stay relevant to the show’s maturing audience. The transformation is going to be marked by a series of special full length episodes including “Dora Explores French Kissing”, “Dora’s Piercing Gets Infected” and “Dora’s Mom is a Huge Bitch Who Won’t Let Dora Do Anything and Just Doesn’t Understand”.

Nickelodeon, the company behind Dora the Explorer has decided to turn the popular character into a teenager in order to stay relevant to the show’s maturing audience. Good news for all the perverts out there who enjoy masturbating to Dora the Explorer but have always felt a little bit guilty about her age.

Of Balls And Bailouts

AIG has raised the ire of the federal government and the American people after disclosing that it plans to use 165 million dollars of public bailout money to pay for the bonuses of the very Executives who nearly bankrupted the once prosperous insurance giant. AIG defended the decision, citing their new company slogan “Bonuses - Completely Unrelated to Performance Since 2009”.

AIG has raised the ire of the federal government and the American people after disclosing that it plans to use 165 million dollars of public bailout money to pay for the bonuses of the very Executives who nearly bankrupted the once prosperous insurance giant. Said the mother of one of the Executives “I don’t understand how my son could have grown up to be so audacious. One time, when he was a child, he broke a neighbours window while playing baseball, so I did the responsible thing and paid for the window myself then raised his allowance... Oh wait, I see the problem now.”

Race To Which Movie?

Disney’s new movie, “Race to Witch Mountain” opens this weekend. It wasn’t originally supposed to be a sequel in the “Witch Mountain” franchise, but the title, “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Helps Aliens Abduct Children” didn’t test well.

Jacko Decides To Take His Own Advice And Beat It

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career - causing at least one reporter to exclaim “Holy shit! That mannequin just talked!”

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career. In other music news, Joaquin Phoenix announced the details of his very first hip hop concert - also expected to be the last public performance of his career.

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career. Jackson didn’t rule out future private concerts, but said he would only consider select events like children’s hospital fundraisers, kids’ birthday parties, the opening of a new playground - you know, innocent stuff like that.

Free Smile With Every Purchase

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. When asked if Walmart was attempting to track down the person responsible for the strange incident, a spokesperson replied “Well, we did tell our staff to be on the lookout for any customers missing 10 or more teeth, but that didn’t narrow it down much.”

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. A spokesperson for Walmart apologized for the incident, saying “We don’t understand how this could have happened. Our quality control department does its best to ensure that every wallet comes with at least 14 human teeth.”

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. A spokesperson for Walmart apologized for the incident, saying “I can understand that finding human teeth in the change purse of a wallet would be disturbing, and let me be the first to say that our company will no longer accept product returns from the Tooth Fairy.”

Turns Out All That Brush He Cleared Was Spotted Owl Habitat

It has been revealed that one of George W. Bush’s last actions as President was to send out a memo to federal agencies instructing them not to bother consulting with wildlife experts before undertaking any projects that might harm endangered species. Bush defended his decision saying “I only issued that memo so the Illinois State Senate could impeach Rod Blagojevic without having to worry about that thing living on his forehead. ”

It has been revealed that one of George W. Bush’s last actions as President was to send out a memo to federal agencies instructing them not to bother consulting with wildlife experts before undertaking any projects that might harm endangered species. In response, Kanye West is already recording a new single, “George Bush doesn’t care about Panda Bears”.

Smokin' Hot (Box) Pussy

A man in Omaha Nebraska was arrested after he stuffed his cat into a homemade plexiglass box he was using as an oversized marijuana pipe. When asked why he put his cat in the smoke-filled box the man answered “Dude, I own a bong the size of a microwave oven. Do you really think I know?”

Culture Clash

Two nuclear submarines belonging to the French and English navies collided in a narrow trench of the Atlantic Ocean this week. The official report calls the mishap a freak accident, but many claim that the collision could have been avoided if the French submarine’s sonar system was not programmed to ignore any signals received in English.

Don't Tase Me Bro, Bro, Bro, and Bro!

Although still early in its proceedings, the official inquiry into the death of Robert Dziekanski at the hands of four taser-wielding RCMP officers has revealed a number of surprises, including this excerpt from the RCMP training manual:

Section 5.2
Justifiable and Proportional Taser Deployment Scenarios:

5 Officers vs. Visible Minority Removing Wallet From Jacket too Quickly
4 Officers vs. Polish Immigrant Wielding Stapler
3 Officers vs. Hippie Pointing Finger
2 Officers vs. Old Lady Shoplifting
1 Officer vs. Quadriplegic Refusing to Put Wheelchair Seatbelt On
1 Officer vs. Crying Baby in Movie Theatre*

*In this scenario, the mother of the perpetrator (infant) has a tendency to becomes irrationally upset. If this occurs, the officer is permitted to taser her as well.

Somebody Needs A Time-Out

R&B singer Chris Brown was charged on Thursday with assault and making criminal threats after allegedly beating his girlfriend Rhiana. The police report includes details of Brown repeatedly biting Rhiana, and at one point putting her in a headlock - proving that Chris Brown not only looks like an 8 year old, but fights like one too.