Psychic to the Face

Psychics in England are protesting strict new government regulations on "Spiritual Services" introduced this week. However many do concede that the new rules are better than the plan first proposed by Minister of Justice, Harvey Muttonswoode: "First, we sneak up on them all cat-like. Then we throws a brick at them, see? And if they didn't see it coming, they's a fake!"

Is That a Papal Hat or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

The Pope visits America! On spending the afternoon with the Pope at the White House, President Bush said "I appreciated our discussion. It was enjoyable and we learned we have a lot in common; We are both driven by the glory of God, we both have a passion for the culture of life, and we are both scared shitless of Muslims. Those guys are angry."

So Much for Relying on the Kindness of Strangers...

A woman "hitch-hiking for world peace and goodwill" was found murdered in Turkey on Friday. She leaves behind a legacy of other ill-conceived activism as the founder of the "Save the Forest, Hug a Grizzly!" movement, the "Help Clean our Lakes of Heavy Metals and Carcinogens!" swim-athon, and the "Let's Put and End to Gun Violence!" live ammunition bonfire and sing-along.

Glass 28% Full

President Bush's approval rating has hit a record low of 28% largely due to the Iraq war and the US economic collapse. An unrelated survey has found that 28% of Americans think "Saddam Hussein caused the mortgage foreclosure crisis when he blew up all the money in the World Trade Centre."

Kiwi Cake Cancellation

New Zealand has decided to ban birthday cakes in schools. Said one school board official, "A lot of people think that this decision is about fighting childhood obesity and promoting healthy eating habits. But in reality, we just don't want the kids to think they're special."