Someone Should Tell Jesus to Get A Haircut

The Pope provoked an angry reaction from the gay and lesbian community after stating in a year-end address that mankind needs to be saved from the "destructive blurring of gender". The pope went on to say "Oh by the way have you noticed my new robe? I picked it up from the embroiderer's this morning. Ooh and I got my red pumps polished too! Sometimes a Pope's just got to spoil herself. Well I'm off to not have sex with a woman. Taa Taa!"

And People Wonder Why The Financial System Collapsed

A woman was fired from a prestigious Wall Street firm after it was discovered that her degree was fake and her diploma was bought online. The firm says it has learned its lesson and will no longer accept employment applications from people with a PhD in "Business Stuff" from the "University of Awesomeville".

Suck On That

A men's magazine based out of Sydney Australia was relieved to discover that a missing shipment of 130, 000 pairs of plastic inflatable breasts they were planning to distribute with their December issue turned up in the city of Melbourne. In related news, Melbourne city council has adopted a new municipal nickname, "Melbourne: The City of Confused Babies."

Black Friday: Not Just An Ironic Historical Allusion Anymore

A Walmart employee in Long Island NY was trampled to death by a rush of customers after he opened the doors for the store's annual Black Friday sale. Said one customer, "At least he died defending our constitutional right as Americans to fight like animals over cheap flat panel televisions at 5 AM."

End Of An Era

A new study has found that Cystic Fibrosis only affects Caucasians, and primarily Caucasian men. Said one white male "Well I guess it's about time something shitty happened to us."

Just Elect It And Forget It!

Barack Obama appeared in a half hour infomercial paid for by his campaign this past week, marking the first time a presidential candidate has made it an election promise to "Save you time and money, help you burn fat, and keep your meat moist and tender."

Joe The Who?

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher announced in a radio interview that he would be willing to run for congress in 2010, adding "Unless people completely forget about me and my dime store politics once this election is over - but come on, that's not going to happen, right?"

But For Some Reason Blind People Still Think She's A Tool

Politico.com has revealed that the Republican Party spent $150,000 on a makeover and speech lessons for Sarah Palin. Closer analysis of the expenses shows that her new designer wardrobe cost $149,995, while her "speech lessons" only cost five bucks - suspiciously the same amount it costs to rent ‘Fargo' for a weekend

I Saw 'All The President's Men' On Turner Classic Movies Last Night. Does That Count?

In a new CBS interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin failed to name a single magazine or newspaper she read on a regular basis before being selected as the republican party's VP candidate. In the extended unedited version of the interview, Couric goads Palin on, saying "I think it's about Time you gave US, and by us, I mean The Nation, an answer. People are curious, especially since it's been such a heavy News Week. Most players in Washington Post these facts on their blogs or websites. Voters in the USA Today expect it." after which Palin finally clued in and responded "Well, I do have a subscription to Moose Fancy."

And When You Saw Only One Pair Of Footprints In the Sand, That Was Me Carrying You To Your Local Polling Station

Evangelical preachers across the country have been breaking federal law by using sermons to endorse, or even instruct, their congregations to vote for specific candidates in the upcoming presidential election. When asked whether they would follow their pastors advice, parishioners were split, some saying they would make up their own mind based on the candidates' policies and strengths, others answering "Baaaaa".

How About We Go Back To My Place For Some Diplomatic Relations?

The new president of Pakistan called VP nominee, Sarah Palin "gorgeous" during a meeting at the United Nations. Palin accepted the compliment graciously, but grew more uncomfortable when the Pakistani president continued on, saying "Do you know what's a real hoot? Doing the fortune cookie thing with headlines about you. You know, like ‘Sarah Palin to address concerns she lacks experience ...in bed!' Doesn't that work well? Very sexy, no?"

Hey! Did You Hear? Ruben Studdard Is Black!

Former American Idol star, Clay Aiken officially came out of closet on the cover of this week's People Magazine with a headline reading "Yes, I'm Gay!". Conveniently, the news happened to coincide with 'National Feign Surprise Day'.

It's Not The Size Of Your Rally, It's How You Lie About It

The McCain campaign is being accused of falsely inflating rally attendance figures in order to draw headlines and boost party morale. Many analysts aren't surprised by the accusation, citing the official biography on the McCain website which claims that the senator is "over twelve feet tall, eats fire ants for breakfast, poops rainbows, and was the first man on Mars - but didn't tell anyone because he's just that humble."

Hard On For Hadron

After years of planning and assembly, CERN's Large Hadron Collider was finally started up this week. The record breaking particle accelerator will allow scientists to study the what the universe was like trillions of years ago and answer questions such as "what caused the big bang?", "where did matter come from?", and "what was John McCain like as a young man?".

Too Many Cooks In The Parliament

Thai Prime Minister and part time cooking show host, Samak Sundaravej, has been forced to resign after a court determined that being paid and employed as a TV chef while in office is in violation of the Thai constitution. Samak, defiant of the ruling, declared "Against the constitution? Aw bullshit! This is because I made ‘Dead Baby in Panda sauce with cilantro and Hooker juice' on my last show, isn't it?"

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Canadian Conservative MP Jason Kenney caused a stir after calling Liberal leader Stephane Dion's linguistic skills "bumbling". Dion quickly rebutted, saying "Well if Mr. Kenney is wishing to go into the dirt and play with the mud throwing, then I think Canadians are knowing that the Conservative Party is the wolf wearing the sheep's wool to pull over their eyes. My languistics are top scotch and no one is believing Mr. Kenney's herroneous remarks."

This Is 'Sota!

Four hundred individuals are arrested outside of the Republican Party convention in St. Paul, Minnesota. The St. Paul police chief addressed concerns that the sheer number of arrests was excessive, explaining "One has to keep in mind that only 100 of the arrests were political protesters who got out of hand. The rest were Spartans."

Oh Yeah? Well Our Guy Clears Brush!

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin saved a TV crew from an escaped tiger by jumping into action and shooting the animal with a tranquillizer gun. In other state-sponsored Russian news, Vladimir Putin has put a blue whale in a headlock, punched out a rhinoceros, shot the wings off of a fly with a magnum, and challenged a horse to a "whose dick is bigger" contest - and won.

A Twinkie In Every Pot

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has revealed her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her husband was once arrested for drunk driving. Reacting to the news, Obama has planned public appearances with Jerry Springer, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and Larry the Cable Guy in an attempt to win back some of the white-trash vote.

Does the 'P' Stand for 'Petulent'?

P. Diddy used his video blog to urge the next president to do something about gas prices after complaining that he now has to fly first class on commercial flights instead of using his own private jet. In response, Barack Obama was quoted as saying "Poor guy. I'll get on that right after I buy Paris Hilton that unicorn she's always wanted." while John McCain replied, "P. Diddy? He's one of the Teletubbies, right? My grandkids love that show."

A Mesopotamian Priest Walks Into A Temple...

Archeological researchers have discovered the world's oldest joke and have traced it back to 1900 BC. Said one researcher, "We always anticipated that we would discover some form of ancient recorded humour. What we didn't expect is that it would start with ‘John McCain is so old...'.

Caffeine Crash

Starbucks announced it will be closing 600 of its worst performing locations. Upon hearing the news, one consumer immediately pointed out the silver lining, saying "They're closing my local Starbucks? Oh well, the extra half-block walk to the next one will be good exercise."

There's A Buzz In The Air

Twelve million bees escaped and caused havoc after the truck in which they were being transported overturned on a busy stretch of the Trans-Canada highway. Somewhere in Canada, Stompin' Tom Connors is writing the coolest folk song ever.

Explosive Negotiations

North Korea destroys a cooling tower at one of their nuclear facilities as a sign of commitment to the negotiations aimed at ending their nuclear program. The US delegation was delighted by the news but cautiously asked North Korea "You did remember to turn off the nuclear generator BEFORE you blew up the cooling tower, right?" to which North Korea replied "Ha Ha Ha! Do you really think we would forget do to something as important as that? Of course we did. But now you'll have to excuse me as I have some completely unrelated business to take care of back in Pyonyang. I.... left.... my cat.... in the... dishwasher. Yes, that's it." and then ran off.

Like An iPod For Annoying People

Japanese toy maker, Takara Tomy, has introduced a portable karaoke machine the size of a large mp3 player. The company suggests that owners of the device will have endless fun singing karaoke whenever and wherever they want, and those without the device will have just as much fun playing the popular new subway guessing game "Who is singing karaoke to themselves, and who is just regular crazy?"

Oops, The Spears Have Done It Again

Seventeen year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, sister of Britney Spears, has given birth to a baby girl. Tabloids are already calling the brand new addition to the Spears clan a "Trainwreck", reporting that "She is prone to lengthy fits of uncontrollable crying, is incoherent and appears confused by her surroundings, has short - likely shaved - hair, and has even soiled herself on more than one occasion."

Spare the Rod

The Senate approved an anti-spanking bill this week, sparking loud and colourful protests in front of the Capitol building. However, when it was explained to the leader of the protest that the bill only applies to the spanking of children, he removed his leather-strap ball gag and said "Oh. Never mind then."

The 2000 Year Old Fart

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. Many observers aren't surprised given McCain's previous public remarks about technology, including 1993's "I can't figure out my VCR. I put a tape in and hit play but the screen just keeps blinking 12:00", 1959's "Colour TV? No thank you. Black and White is enough visual stimulus for me.", 1912's "I don't believe in radio; the only things that should travel through the air are birds and clouds.", 1893's "This new fangled telephone apparatus is just a fad. For long distance communication, nothing beats good old fashioned yelling.", and 526 B.C.'s "Smoke signals? Me pee on fire."

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. One Capitol Hill librarian bragged "I could have told you that ages ago. Do you know how many times he's come in here and tried to find ‘The Facebook'?"

When Life Hands You Severed Feet...

Six human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores in recent weeks. The bad news: Police suspect the feet belong to victims of gang related hits. The good news: Canadian and American television producers have been inspired by the gruesome discoveries and are collaborating on a CBC revival/CBS spin-off series titled "CSI: Beachcombers".

Kiss Your Bootlegged "Road to Avonlea" Tapes Goodbye

The Canadian government is set to pass bill C-61 which would update copyright and piracy laws, making them significantly tougher. Among other changes, the written warnings against illegal reproduction and public broadcast at the beginning of VHS and DVD films will no longer include the word "Please."

Beat Off The Winter Blahs

In their last shipment of supplies before months of darkness, a skeleton crew of researchers at the Antarctica base station have received 16,500 condoms, described as "a year's supply". Said one surprised mainland scientist "I'm starting to wonder if it's really global warming that's melting the icecaps.", to which one of the skeleton crew replied, "Alright, very funny. I know it seems like a lot of condoms, but seriously, have you seen how many penguins we have down here?"

Stop The Presses!

The Associated Press issued a story today with the headline "Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies". This on a day with so many other shockers, including "Doctor performs gallstone removal operation, removes gallstone", "Man drinks lemonade, quenches thirst", "Dog chases car, fails to catch up", and "Associated Press publishes story with predictable outcome, is mocked sarcastically".

So What, Now It's Only For Getting Around The City?

The city of London is set to pass a law making it illegal for subway passengers to drink alcohol on the famous "Underground" system. Many Londoners are upset that drinking will now be limited only to bars, pubs, clubs, restaurants, houses, flats, parks, bus shelters, public washrooms, alleys, phone booths, trees, change rooms, libraries, post offices, police stations, churches, the House of Parliament, and AA meetings.

This Fox Has Fleas

A Fox News employee is suing the company after being repeatedly bitten by bed bugs at work. Although the lawsuit story itself is of little importance, scientists are now curious to determine if bed bugs have an instinctual ability to identify and attack shitty journalism.

Et Tu McClellan?

President Bush was said to be "puzzled" by an advance copy of a harshly critical new memoir by former Press Secretary and Bush loyalist, Scott McClellan - until White House aides explained to the President that if you open the hard flat outside and read all the little black marks on the white bits inside, it tells a story.

What do Tom Jones and Oppressive Southeast Asian Regimes Have in Common?

Praying on the Burmese Generals' superstitious fears that contact with women's underwear will sap them of power, hundreds of female protesters have sent their panties to Burmese embassies all over the world. As a result of the unusual protest, Burmese government offices are receiving frequent calls from thirty year old ‘bachelors' and ‘World of Warcraft enthusiasts' offering to open local branches of the Burmese embassy in their parents' basement.

Would You Care For Some Brains With Your Wafer?

The Catholic church has decreed that a theatrical "Zombie Parade" in the Spanish town of Toledo is blasphemous. The actors defended the event by saying "Oh sure, worship the guy who dies and comes back to life, and then honour him by eating his ‘body' and drinking his ‘blood' at communion. Yeah, our Zombie parade is really out of line with Catholicism."

Because the National Maple Syrup Reserve Won't Guard Itself

This week Canada announced the formation of a new secret-service division of their military. A spokesperson for the government was unable to give out many details about the program due to its highly classified status, but was able to say that "We think Doug will do a great job."

Arrest This Development

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The bad news: It's going to star Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The good news: the US military will finally have an alternative to waterboarding.

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. At a news conference, the show's producers described it as "a hip, modern, urban comedy about two intelligent and attractive middle aged women", which prompted one journalist to ask "So who do Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher play?".

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. When the producers were unable to find professional writers willing to pen the first episode, they outsourced the script to a factory in China. The pilot, titled "Much Great Adventure of Cat-Voice and Potato-Face: Funny Housing Arrangement Trouble Yes!", is slated to go into production by mid June.

You've Never Seen So Many 12 Year Olds Run To The Washroom

Carmen Electra has unveiled a new portable stripper pole that she plans on selling under her personal brand name. Although many are skeptical of her claims that it is primarily intended for exercise purposes, everyone agrees that her son's private boys' school is going to have the best damn "Parent Career Day" ever.

Rising to the Flop

David Cook has won the American Idol title and the grand prize that comes with it: his own solo album. In preparation for the album, composers are already hashing out melodies, recording executives are planning marketing campaigns, directors are story-boarding music videos, and CD stores are dusting off their "Clearance: 75% Off" signs.

No Wonder Al Gore Quit Politics

During a recent radio interview, Hillary Clinton cited the example of the Florida recount fiasco from the 2000 Presidential election to bolster her argument that Florida and Michigan must be seated at the Democratic convention and that the number of delegates required to reach the majority is actually 2210, and not 2026 according to the current rules. The radio host asked her "You are talking about the recount where, thanks to some creative accounting, power-brokering, and fudging of the rules, the candidate with the majority of support had the rug pulled out from under his feet by the petulant runner-up, right?", to which Mrs. Clinton replied, "Fuck you."

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame the Gays

California's State Supreme Court has overturned a ban on same sex unions, paving the way for legalized gay marriage in the state. Christian conservatives are outraged saying, "Okay so we were wrong about the earth being flat, and the geocentric universe, and the Spanish inquisition, and the Crusades, and witches, and evolution, but we are sure about this one. Definitely a sin. I can feel my traditional marriage being threatened as we speak."

At Least They Didn't Have to Call an Ambulance

RCMP officers in Kamloops, BC tasered an 82 year old man - three times - while he was in hospital with pneumonia. One of the RCMP officers involved paints the incident as an act of heroism, saying "We tasered him to save his life actually. The old man's heart stopped while we were beating him with our nightsticks, so instead of waiting for some useless doctor to show up with a defibrillator, we gave him a shot of juice then and there. Those taser guns are a heck of a lot more fun to use than boring old paddles anyway. Not that the old coot deserved the help. You know he stole the fruit cup from the man in the bed beside him? Sure the guy is in a coma, but it's still his fruit cup, and anyone who doesn't respect that fact gets what's coming to him. I'll tell you, if it weren't for the RCMP, this country would be overrun by goons and savages drunk on authority."

Faster Than a Speeding Campaign Bus

In a campaign speech, John McCain vowed to fight "evil" if he were to be elected president. Fearing the implications of his vague statement, the Republican election committee made McCain promise that he will under no circumstances dress up like a super hero, especially not in spandex tights that would reveal too much visual information about his 72 year old prostate.

It Was a Lovely Wedding Until Cheney Shot the Cake

George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is married in Crawford Texas. Those close to the President believe the possibility of him becoming a grandfather is already mellowing him out, citing his recent comments on official interrogation techniques: "Let's bump them down a notch from ‘Cruel and Unusual' to just ‘Cruel'."

And Keep Your Eyes Open For Mother Theresa Too

The Washington Post has obtained a copy of the U.S. Terror Watch List and discovered that Nelson Mandela is among those listed as a threat. Although embarrassed, one U.S. State Department official offered an awkward explanation, "I mean this dude basically orchestrated a complete shift of power in a white-dominated, post-colonial, racially-divided country founded on slavery - while he was inside prison! I know I feel threatened by that. I like my government pension, thank you very much." The official was later fired.

Indiana Seniors Keep Clinton On Life Support

Voters over 65 deliver a squeaker win for Hillary Clinton in the Indiana Primary that would have otherwise sealed the Democratic nomination for Barack Obama. One elderly woman commented on her key role in the upset, saying, "That'll teach you young whipper snappers to stay off my lawn. Now where is my pudding coupon? I was promised that if I voted for her I'd get a coupon for pudding! I don't care for chocolate pudding anymore. It used to taste better in the thirties. Butterscotch, now there's a pudding flavour. Do they still make McMurphy's Butterscotch Pudding? They don't? Well isn't that a shame. The world is going to pot. Yessiree. Straight to hell in a handbasket. First pudding, then the bomb, and now viagara. If I wanted my husband to take an interest in my lady parts at this age, I'd stick a can of Ensure up there. Oh there's room alright. I wish they'd print the Ensure labels larger though. You can barely read them anymore, what with all the tiny charts and ingredient lists. That reminds me, have you seen my glasses? I thought I had them with me but... Oh heavens to betsy! They're right on top of my head. Honestly sometimes I think I'd lose my nose if it weren't attached to my... my... oh what's that word? The uh... drat. I've lost it. No matter. Time for my nap anyway."

Glass 71% Empty

President George W. Bush has hit a record high disapproval rating of 71 percent. After being informed that even Nixon never received a rating that poor, Bush is now seriously considering breaking into the Democratic Party election offices in order to boost his image.

Psychic to the Face

Psychics in England are protesting strict new government regulations on "Spiritual Services" introduced this week. However many do concede that the new rules are better than the plan first proposed by Minister of Justice, Harvey Muttonswoode: "First, we sneak up on them all cat-like. Then we throws a brick at them, see? And if they didn't see it coming, they's a fake!"

Is That a Papal Hat or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

The Pope visits America! On spending the afternoon with the Pope at the White House, President Bush said "I appreciated our discussion. It was enjoyable and we learned we have a lot in common; We are both driven by the glory of God, we both have a passion for the culture of life, and we are both scared shitless of Muslims. Those guys are angry."

So Much for Relying on the Kindness of Strangers...

A woman "hitch-hiking for world peace and goodwill" was found murdered in Turkey on Friday. She leaves behind a legacy of other ill-conceived activism as the founder of the "Save the Forest, Hug a Grizzly!" movement, the "Help Clean our Lakes of Heavy Metals and Carcinogens!" swim-athon, and the "Let's Put and End to Gun Violence!" live ammunition bonfire and sing-along.

Glass 28% Full

President Bush's approval rating has hit a record low of 28% largely due to the Iraq war and the US economic collapse. An unrelated survey has found that 28% of Americans think "Saddam Hussein caused the mortgage foreclosure crisis when he blew up all the money in the World Trade Centre."

Kiwi Cake Cancellation

New Zealand has decided to ban birthday cakes in schools. Said one school board official, "A lot of people think that this decision is about fighting childhood obesity and promoting healthy eating habits. But in reality, we just don't want the kids to think they're special."

Putting in his 50 Cents

Rapper 50 Cent switches his support from Clinton to Obama, adding “I normally don’t even follow American Idol, but it’s too important this year.”

I See Dead Premises

The new horror film “Shutter”, starring Rachael Taylor and Joshua Jackson, opens in theatres this weekend. Producers are glad they didn’t go with the original title, “Pretty American Blonde Woman vs. Japanese Killer Ghost VII”.

Buggery Stats

A new study has found that one in five Canadian boys experience sexual abuse. However, a follow-up questionnaire finds that the number drops significantly when it's explained that "self-abuse" doesn't count.

Florida Lawmakers Impose Belt Technology on Youths

Florida passes a law against wearing droopy pants in highschools. The legislation also includes clauses to make young people "stop slouching", "listen to real music", "and get a job cutting grass like I did when I was your age".

Welcome!

Thank you for checking out The Daily Indigestion! There are only a couple of things to know: The headlines might not always be up to date, they might not always be 100% factual, but they are always based on real news or events. The rest is self explanatory - unless you are medically incapable of understanding the difference between humor and fact, in which case you must live in a bizarre and often confusing existence and someone should make a movie about you. I see Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead. How do you feel about the title “Tears of a Clown”? Well I’m not married to it. Have your people call my people.