I Saw 'All The President's Men' On Turner Classic Movies Last Night. Does That Count?

In a new CBS interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin failed to name a single magazine or newspaper she read on a regular basis before being selected as the republican party's VP candidate. In the extended unedited version of the interview, Couric goads Palin on, saying "I think it's about Time you gave US, and by us, I mean The Nation, an answer. People are curious, especially since it's been such a heavy News Week. Most players in Washington Post these facts on their blogs or websites. Voters in the USA Today expect it." after which Palin finally clued in and responded "Well, I do have a subscription to Moose Fancy."

And When You Saw Only One Pair Of Footprints In the Sand, That Was Me Carrying You To Your Local Polling Station

Evangelical preachers across the country have been breaking federal law by using sermons to endorse, or even instruct, their congregations to vote for specific candidates in the upcoming presidential election. When asked whether they would follow their pastors advice, parishioners were split, some saying they would make up their own mind based on the candidates' policies and strengths, others answering "Baaaaa".

How About We Go Back To My Place For Some Diplomatic Relations?

The new president of Pakistan called VP nominee, Sarah Palin "gorgeous" during a meeting at the United Nations. Palin accepted the compliment graciously, but grew more uncomfortable when the Pakistani president continued on, saying "Do you know what's a real hoot? Doing the fortune cookie thing with headlines about you. You know, like ‘Sarah Palin to address concerns she lacks experience ...in bed!' Doesn't that work well? Very sexy, no?"

Hey! Did You Hear? Ruben Studdard Is Black!

Former American Idol star, Clay Aiken officially came out of closet on the cover of this week's People Magazine with a headline reading "Yes, I'm Gay!". Conveniently, the news happened to coincide with 'National Feign Surprise Day'.

It's Not The Size Of Your Rally, It's How You Lie About It

The McCain campaign is being accused of falsely inflating rally attendance figures in order to draw headlines and boost party morale. Many analysts aren't surprised by the accusation, citing the official biography on the McCain website which claims that the senator is "over twelve feet tall, eats fire ants for breakfast, poops rainbows, and was the first man on Mars - but didn't tell anyone because he's just that humble."

Hard On For Hadron

After years of planning and assembly, CERN's Large Hadron Collider was finally started up this week. The record breaking particle accelerator will allow scientists to study the what the universe was like trillions of years ago and answer questions such as "what caused the big bang?", "where did matter come from?", and "what was John McCain like as a young man?".

Too Many Cooks In The Parliament

Thai Prime Minister and part time cooking show host, Samak Sundaravej, has been forced to resign after a court determined that being paid and employed as a TV chef while in office is in violation of the Thai constitution. Samak, defiant of the ruling, declared "Against the constitution? Aw bullshit! This is because I made ‘Dead Baby in Panda sauce with cilantro and Hooker juice' on my last show, isn't it?"

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Canadian Conservative MP Jason Kenney caused a stir after calling Liberal leader Stephane Dion's linguistic skills "bumbling". Dion quickly rebutted, saying "Well if Mr. Kenney is wishing to go into the dirt and play with the mud throwing, then I think Canadians are knowing that the Conservative Party is the wolf wearing the sheep's wool to pull over their eyes. My languistics are top scotch and no one is believing Mr. Kenney's herroneous remarks."

This Is 'Sota!

Four hundred individuals are arrested outside of the Republican Party convention in St. Paul, Minnesota. The St. Paul police chief addressed concerns that the sheer number of arrests was excessive, explaining "One has to keep in mind that only 100 of the arrests were political protesters who got out of hand. The rest were Spartans."

Oh Yeah? Well Our Guy Clears Brush!

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin saved a TV crew from an escaped tiger by jumping into action and shooting the animal with a tranquillizer gun. In other state-sponsored Russian news, Vladimir Putin has put a blue whale in a headlock, punched out a rhinoceros, shot the wings off of a fly with a magnum, and challenged a horse to a "whose dick is bigger" contest - and won.

A Twinkie In Every Pot

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has revealed her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her husband was once arrested for drunk driving. Reacting to the news, Obama has planned public appearances with Jerry Springer, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and Larry the Cable Guy in an attempt to win back some of the white-trash vote.

Does the 'P' Stand for 'Petulent'?

P. Diddy used his video blog to urge the next president to do something about gas prices after complaining that he now has to fly first class on commercial flights instead of using his own private jet. In response, Barack Obama was quoted as saying "Poor guy. I'll get on that right after I buy Paris Hilton that unicorn she's always wanted." while John McCain replied, "P. Diddy? He's one of the Teletubbies, right? My grandkids love that show."