...And Michael Moore Is A Secret Agent For The RNC!

A new study conducted by Ohio State University has discovered that conservatives are more likely to believe that popular political comedian Stephen Colbert only pretends to use parody on his show ‘The Colbert Report’ and that his views are in fact genuinely hard-right. The study also concluded those same conservatives are more likely to rock themselves in a fetal position while trapped in an internal self-constructed reality where John McCain is president, Sarah Palin shoots abortionists from a helicopter, and Ronald Reagan has come back from the dead to be Secretary of Everything.

Apparently The Only Black President They Recognize Is The One On '24'

Fox has raised eyebrows by being the only major network to turn down President Barack Obama’s request to air his prime time address to the nation, opting instead to broadcast their drama series ‘Lie to Me’. A Fox News representative quickly corrected the story, saying “I apologize for the confusion; we are indeed going to air President Obama's address, but keeping with Fox’s editorial policy we have decided to also call it ‘Lie to Me’.”

White Noise Wedding

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Although the ceremony was reported to have gone smoothly, many were surprised when the priest asked Heidi “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? And just to be clear about this, I am a real priest so if you say ‘yes’ you will still be married to this royal tool even after your show is cancelled.”

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were married in a traditional ceremony in Pasadena, California this past Saturday. Shortly before their departure from the wedding reception, the newlywed couple made the strange request of having a director, camera man, boom mic operator, and lighting technician join them in their honeymoon suite so that it would “feel natural”.

That Would Have Been The Perfect Time For A Tree To Fall In A Forest - And Crush Them

“The Hills” stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt met disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevic yesterday and were photographed together in publicity shots for the upcoming reality series “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”. Although the photos appear to show the trio in a cordial and friendly mood, a source reports that off-set Pratt and Blagojevic got into a heated debate and nearly came to blows after both claimed to be America’s most famous douchebag.

I'd Like To Teach The World To Swing

After only two months in the public spotlight, Coca Cola has pulled their latest advertising slogan, “Open Happiness”. A spokesperson for the company addressed the decision, saying “Look, we didn’t mean ‘open happiness’ THAT way. Please stop telling your wives that Coca Cola said you could have sex outside your marriage.”

Surprisingly, Pepsi has decided not to bow to similar pressure and will continue to use their current slogan: “Pepsi. We Think Hookers are Pretty Cool.”

Because There Is Nothing Children Want To Read About More Than The Daily Life Of A Creepy Old Man In A Robe

As part of the celebrations for the Pope’s 82nd birthday, the Vatican published a new illustrated children’s book that outlines the daily routine of the ageing Pontiff. A leaked draft edition of the book revealed these schedule details from the Pope’s private daytimer:

6:00 am: Wake up.
6:03 am: Stare at morning wood wistfully.
6:05 am: Pray for an end to hunger, war, and poverty - and for a pony.
6:30 am: Sneak into Cardinals’ bedrooms. Wake them up by putting shaving cream on their hands, then tickling their noses.
7:00 am: Breakfast of bacon, ham, and sausage.
7:03 am: Feel sorry for Jews and Muslims because of their dietary restrictions.
7:45 am: Extended bathroom session due to greasy runs.
7:47 am: Seriously consider becoming a Jew or Muslim for their dietary restrictions.
8:43 am: Wipe and walk it off. Time to shake and bake, baby.
8:55 am: Pick hat for the day. Modest skull cap or “Tower of Power”? Go with big hat - I’m feeling saucy!
9:00 am: Go wave from balcony. Give blessing in Esperanto for fun.
9:30 am: Settle down with big bowl of Froot Loops and watch Spongebob DVDs.
11:00 am: Go meet world leaders, greet dignitaries, sign stuff, and other miscellaneous BS.
1:00 pm: Lunch in the caf. Today’s choices: “Lamb of God” with mint sauce, or “The Lord is my Shepherd’s Pie”.
1:12 pm: Start jello fight with Desmond Tutu.
2:00 pm: Smiling lessons with Hernando. He’s hilarious!
2:30 pm: Bitch session with the Bishops over pedis and wine re: gays and female priests.
4:00 pm: Lock self in office with secretly obtained condoms. Try to figure out what the big deal is.
4:04 pm: Balloon animals!
4:20 pm: Less shaking, more baking - if you know what I mean.
4:55 pm: Dump ashes and return dangly incense thingy to basilica.
5:10 pm: Go in search of ANYTHING with melted cheese on it.
5:30 pm: Prank call Richard Dawkins. That guy is such a sphincter!
5:45 pm: Curl up in comfy chair and catch up on a few chapters of Harry Potter.
6:30 pm: Dinner. Mac and cheese with sliced hot dog and ketchup. My favourite!
6:55 pm: Make popcorn for movie night with the Nuns. Pray they didn’t pick ‘Sister Act’ again.
7:00 pm: ‘March of the Penguins’! Those Nuns are droll...
9:00 pm: Watch news. See if I’m on.
9:30 pm: Retire to private chambers.
9:35 pm: Dial first six digits of ex-girlfriend’s number. Hang up.
9:45 pm: Get ready for bed. Catch sight of naked self in mirror while changing.
9:48 pm: Masturbate furiously.
10:00 pm: Cry self to sleep.

Where Was Susan Boyle When They Needed Her?

The first ever YouTube Symphony Orchestra made their debut at Carnegie Hall this week. Unfortunately the orchestra, whose members were selected based on votes cast by YouTube viewers, got less than favourable reviews. Said conductor Michael Tilson-Thomas “Next year we are going to be a little more selective about who the viewers can vote for. It’s hard to do justice to Beethoven’s 9th when your percussion section is a fat kid with a lightsaber and your first violins are a bunch of cats playing in cardboard boxes. And don’t get me started on the concert master. All he did was cry and tell me to leave Britney alone, and I don’t even know who that is. In fact the only real musician we got was some guy named Rick Astley, except he only knew one song and kept singing it in the middle of other pieces. The whole experiment was a disaster - although I will admit that the skateboarding dog was a surprisingly quick study at the clarinet. I might just invite him back next year.”

Jumbo Jet Setters Seethe

Overweight activists are protesting a decision by several airlines to force passengers who are so obese that they take up two seats, to pay for a second fare. Said airline representative Jeremy Portsnap “Oh the fatties are protesting huh? What are they going to do? Go on a hunger strike? Zing! But seriously, I’ll tell you what: I’ll reverse the decision - but only if one of the protesters can catch me first. Oh, I’m terrible! What is an overweight activist anyway? A lard-ass who wanted any excuse to be able to use the word ‘active’ and their own name in the same sentence? Too much, too much! But these guys can really throw their weight around when they want to. Groan! Seriously though, did you know you can’t call it the Goodyear Blimp anymore? Nope, because of these jelly-rolls you have to call it the ‘Goodyear Airship of Substantial but Acceptable Proportions’. Ha! I kid of course. I do have sympathy for these folks though; my own aunt was a giant blubbery whale. She passed away recently but we haven’t buried her yet. They started digging the grave a month ago and it’s still not big enough! Zowee! I’ve got a million of ’em!”
Mr. Portsnap was later fired.

If The Teenage Shoe Fits...

The new Zac Ephron movie, “17 Again” is set to hit theatres this week. Contrary to popular belief, the title was not based on what Zac Ephron yelled at his agent after asking him how old his character was going to be.

Barack No-Bomb-a

US President Barack Obama used the spotlight of the G20 summit this week to outline his ambitious vision of a world free of nuclear arms and encouraged nations to start disarming their existing warheads. Said Iran and North Korea “Oh my god, aren’t you just adorable? But seriously, we don’t have any nukes so we’re cool. You just go ahead and disarm your missiles and let us know when you’re done.”

Most Conservative Nut Jobs Just Shoot Their Mouths Off

A Pittsburgh man who was worried that Barack Obama was planning to ban guns, shot and killed three police officers after barricading himself in his home with a massive arsenal of weapons. When asked if he thought that going crazy and single-handedly killing three officers of the law might actually convince many that a ban on guns is a pretty good idea, the man replied “D’oh!”.

A Pittsburgh man who was worried that Barack Obama was planning to ban guns, shot and killed three police officers after barricading himself in his home with a massive arsenal of weapons. The man has been awarded the Chalmers Prize for Ironic Counter-Productivity, joining such previous winners as “Tobacco companies counter smoking bans with new line of extra-cancerous cigarettes”, “Auto manufacturers respond to tougher emission standards by giving 100 orphans medically induced asthma” and “Exxon to refurbish public image after notorious Valdez spill by opening baby seal shooting range.”

Those Persistent Palins

Alaskan governor Sarah Palin’s sister-in-law, Diana Palin was arrested this week after breaking in and robbing the same house, not once, but twice. When she was asked why she broke in a second time, Palin answered “Well I wanted to encourage my sister-in-law. Just because you do something stupid and embarrassing once, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again. 2012 bitches!”