Psychic to the Face

Psychics in England are protesting strict new government regulations on "Spiritual Services" introduced this week. However many do concede that the new rules are better than the plan first proposed by Minister of Justice, Harvey Muttonswoode: "First, we sneak up on them all cat-like. Then we throws a brick at them, see? And if they didn't see it coming, they's a fake!"

Is That a Papal Hat or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

The Pope visits America! On spending the afternoon with the Pope at the White House, President Bush said "I appreciated our discussion. It was enjoyable and we learned we have a lot in common; We are both driven by the glory of God, we both have a passion for the culture of life, and we are both scared shitless of Muslims. Those guys are angry."

So Much for Relying on the Kindness of Strangers...

A woman "hitch-hiking for world peace and goodwill" was found murdered in Turkey on Friday. She leaves behind a legacy of other ill-conceived activism as the founder of the "Save the Forest, Hug a Grizzly!" movement, the "Help Clean our Lakes of Heavy Metals and Carcinogens!" swim-athon, and the "Let's Put and End to Gun Violence!" live ammunition bonfire and sing-along.

Glass 28% Full

President Bush's approval rating has hit a record low of 28% largely due to the Iraq war and the US economic collapse. An unrelated survey has found that 28% of Americans think "Saddam Hussein caused the mortgage foreclosure crisis when he blew up all the money in the World Trade Centre."

Kiwi Cake Cancellation

New Zealand has decided to ban birthday cakes in schools. Said one school board official, "A lot of people think that this decision is about fighting childhood obesity and promoting healthy eating habits. But in reality, we just don't want the kids to think they're special."

Putting in his 50 Cents

Rapper 50 Cent switches his support from Clinton to Obama, adding “I normally don’t even follow American Idol, but it’s too important this year.”

I See Dead Premises

The new horror film “Shutter”, starring Rachael Taylor and Joshua Jackson, opens in theatres this weekend. Producers are glad they didn’t go with the original title, “Pretty American Blonde Woman vs. Japanese Killer Ghost VII”.

Buggery Stats

A new study has found that one in five Canadian boys experience sexual abuse. However, a follow-up questionnaire finds that the number drops significantly when it's explained that "self-abuse" doesn't count.

Florida Lawmakers Impose Belt Technology on Youths

Florida passes a law against wearing droopy pants in highschools. The legislation also includes clauses to make young people "stop slouching", "listen to real music", "and get a job cutting grass like I did when I was your age".

Welcome!

Thank you for checking out The Daily Indigestion! There are only a couple of things to know: The headlines might not always be up to date, they might not always be 100% factual, but they are always based on real news or events. The rest is self explanatory - unless you are medically incapable of understanding the difference between humor and fact, in which case you must live in a bizarre and often confusing existence and someone should make a movie about you. I see Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead. How do you feel about the title “Tears of a Clown”? Well I’m not married to it. Have your people call my people.