Maybe That's Where Pinochio Came From

Karen Sala, a 46 year old woman from the rural city of Barrie, Canada, has filed a paternity and spousal support suit against Keanu Reeves, accusing the lackluster actor of having fathered her now adult children. A lawyer for Reeves called the woman’s claims “absurd”, adding that his client has never met Mrs. Sala, let alone had intercourse with her. Mrs. Sala was quick to disagree, saying “Oh yeah? Well I still have the splinters to prove it!”

And In The Next Issue: Cartoon Prenups!

After nearly 65 years of bachelorhood, Archie Andrews, the protagonist of the famed “Archie” comic book series, has finally decided to propose to rich brunette, Veronica Lodge - choosing her over girl-next-door Betty Cooper. Good news for all those men who have always wondered how long you can date two girls simultaneously before having to seriously commit to one of them, and hoped the answer was ‘a crazy-long time’.

Correction: It has been brought to our attention that men who seek relationship guidance from comic books are almost certainly never going to need to worry about having a woman in their life, let alone two to choose between, and as such the previous article may be disregarded.

Monkey Shines

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. This also marks the first time that ‘Fog Machine’ has been bumped from the top spot on the list of ‘Coolest Things You can Rent for your High School Dance’.

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest research project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. Said the monkey “Hey! Parkinson’s! That’s great. But why don’t you test some sleeping pills on me instead? Do you know how long I’ve been awake? I’m like a lightbulb that never turns off - it’s some real Guantanamo Bay shit yo! I mean the even the inside of my eyelids glow for fuck’s sake. I know it was really hard to get that gene out of the Jellyfish and to stick it in me - and congratulations on figuring it out - but do you know what I have that Jellyfish don’t? Eyes! You furless pink fuckers are certifiable psychos! I swear to god, if I ever get out of my cage I am going to find the dirtiest, most diseased lab rat I can and I’m going to staple it to your face. Then you can see how much fun it is being a hybrid freak. Monkey out!”

What's French For "Con Artists Posing As A Religion"?

The Church of Scientology is on trial in France facing charges of fraud stemming from the case of a hotel worker who claims that the organization pressured her to spend her life savings on “purification packs” and vitamins. A Scientology representative defended the costs, saying “Well of course those supplies cost an arm and a leg. Do you have any idea of what the fuel surcharges are like on orders shipped from the planet Xenukron VII? Trust me, if there was a manufacturer in China that could supply us with quality anti-Thetan tablets, we’d be all over that like Tom Cruise on a couch. Is that reference still relevant by the way? They don’t let us out much.”

I Always Wondered Why 'The Official Straw Of RedBull' Was A Rolled Up Dollar Bill

The popular energy drink, RedBull, has been banned in certain parts of Germany after test samples were determined to contain trace amounts of cocaine. Said a spokesperson for the RedBull company “Well now that the cat is out of the bag, I guess we don’t need to add that bullshit Ginseng anymore.”

Dull and Duller

Universal Pictures has announced that Keanu Reeves will star in the new film version of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. A producer on the project said of the casting decision, “We needed an actor versatile enough to deliver both the wooden intensity of Dr. Jekyll and the intense woodenness of Mr. Hyde, and we think Keanu is just the right person for the job.”

Blow an' Gasquet

French tennis star Richard Gasquet tested positive for Cocaine use during a routine drug test this week and as a result faces a two year ban from the sport’s professional league. Although many are disappointed by the news, it does finally explain why Gasquet repeatedly tried to snort the foul line.

I'm Sorry, For A Second There It Sounded Like You Said Something Progressive

In a speech given during a stop in Amman, Jordan, the Pope stated that he deplored “the ideological manipulation of religion”. Shortly thereafter, hospitals around the world were flooded with alcohol poisoning victims, apparently due to a popular irony-themed drinking game in which the head of the Catholic Church denouncing ideological manipulation is worth fifty shots.

We Are Not Amused

The Queen was royally embarrassed this week after one of her racing horses, ‘Moonlit Path’, failed a doping test and was disqualified from competition. Prince Charles was even more disappointed after officials informed him that his entry, ‘Camilla Baby’, was not in fact entirely a horse.

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White, Or Plastic

Michael Jackson’s former publicist, Raymone Bain, filed a 44 million dollar lawsuit against the pop-star on Wednesday, alleging Jackson failed to pay her for her services. When asked if she regretted having been the public face for Michael Jackson, Mrs. Bain replied “Just to be accurate, yes I regret being Mr. Jackson’s public representative. Mr. Jackson’s ‘public face’ is in a jar of formaldehyde beside his bed.”

Big Box Baby Brouhaha

A woman accused of abandoning her newborn baby after giving birth in a Walmart bathroom stall was put on trial this week. Although many are shocked by the allegations, Marty Rubenstein, the janitor who discovered the infant, was surprisingly nonchalant in his testimony, “Well to tell you the truth, a placenta covered infant lying in a pool of blood still only ranks as the seventh or eighth most unpleasant thing I’ve had to clean up off of a Walmart bathroom floor.”

Even The Chinese Economy Is Going Up In Smoke

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy. Said one relieved worker, “Oh thank god! For a second there I thought they were going to make us lick our own toys!”

Local officials in the central Chinese province of Hubei have ordered government and factory workers to smoke almost a quarter million locally manufactured cigarettes in order to boost the sagging economy - which at least means that all those Hubeian workers who were concerned about not having any savings or pension plan for their retirement years probably won’t have to worry about that anymore.