There's A Buzz In The Air

Twelve million bees escaped and caused havoc after the truck in which they were being transported overturned on a busy stretch of the Trans-Canada highway. Somewhere in Canada, Stompin' Tom Connors is writing the coolest folk song ever.

Explosive Negotiations

North Korea destroys a cooling tower at one of their nuclear facilities as a sign of commitment to the negotiations aimed at ending their nuclear program. The US delegation was delighted by the news but cautiously asked North Korea "You did remember to turn off the nuclear generator BEFORE you blew up the cooling tower, right?" to which North Korea replied "Ha Ha Ha! Do you really think we would forget do to something as important as that? Of course we did. But now you'll have to excuse me as I have some completely unrelated business to take care of back in Pyonyang. I.... left.... my cat.... in the... dishwasher. Yes, that's it." and then ran off.

Like An iPod For Annoying People

Japanese toy maker, Takara Tomy, has introduced a portable karaoke machine the size of a large mp3 player. The company suggests that owners of the device will have endless fun singing karaoke whenever and wherever they want, and those without the device will have just as much fun playing the popular new subway guessing game "Who is singing karaoke to themselves, and who is just regular crazy?"

Oops, The Spears Have Done It Again

Seventeen year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, sister of Britney Spears, has given birth to a baby girl. Tabloids are already calling the brand new addition to the Spears clan a "Trainwreck", reporting that "She is prone to lengthy fits of uncontrollable crying, is incoherent and appears confused by her surroundings, has short - likely shaved - hair, and has even soiled herself on more than one occasion."

Spare the Rod

The Senate approved an anti-spanking bill this week, sparking loud and colourful protests in front of the Capitol building. However, when it was explained to the leader of the protest that the bill only applies to the spanking of children, he removed his leather-strap ball gag and said "Oh. Never mind then."

The 2000 Year Old Fart

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. Many observers aren't surprised given McCain's previous public remarks about technology, including 1993's "I can't figure out my VCR. I put a tape in and hit play but the screen just keeps blinking 12:00", 1959's "Colour TV? No thank you. Black and White is enough visual stimulus for me.", 1912's "I don't believe in radio; the only things that should travel through the air are birds and clouds.", 1893's "This new fangled telephone apparatus is just a fad. For long distance communication, nothing beats good old fashioned yelling.", and 526 B.C.'s "Smoke signals? Me pee on fire."

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. One Capitol Hill librarian bragged "I could have told you that ages ago. Do you know how many times he's come in here and tried to find ‘The Facebook'?"

When Life Hands You Severed Feet...

Six human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores in recent weeks. The bad news: Police suspect the feet belong to victims of gang related hits. The good news: Canadian and American television producers have been inspired by the gruesome discoveries and are collaborating on a CBC revival/CBS spin-off series titled "CSI: Beachcombers".

Kiss Your Bootlegged "Road to Avonlea" Tapes Goodbye

The Canadian government is set to pass bill C-61 which would update copyright and piracy laws, making them significantly tougher. Among other changes, the written warnings against illegal reproduction and public broadcast at the beginning of VHS and DVD films will no longer include the word "Please."

Beat Off The Winter Blahs

In their last shipment of supplies before months of darkness, a skeleton crew of researchers at the Antarctica base station have received 16,500 condoms, described as "a year's supply". Said one surprised mainland scientist "I'm starting to wonder if it's really global warming that's melting the icecaps.", to which one of the skeleton crew replied, "Alright, very funny. I know it seems like a lot of condoms, but seriously, have you seen how many penguins we have down here?"

Stop The Presses!

The Associated Press issued a story today with the headline "Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies". This on a day with so many other shockers, including "Doctor performs gallstone removal operation, removes gallstone", "Man drinks lemonade, quenches thirst", "Dog chases car, fails to catch up", and "Associated Press publishes story with predictable outcome, is mocked sarcastically".

So What, Now It's Only For Getting Around The City?

The city of London is set to pass a law making it illegal for subway passengers to drink alcohol on the famous "Underground" system. Many Londoners are upset that drinking will now be limited only to bars, pubs, clubs, restaurants, houses, flats, parks, bus shelters, public washrooms, alleys, phone booths, trees, change rooms, libraries, post offices, police stations, churches, the House of Parliament, and AA meetings.