Monkey Shines

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. This also marks the first time that ‘Fog Machine’ has been bumped from the top spot on the list of ‘Coolest Things You can Rent for your High School Dance’.

Japanese scientists unveiled their latest research project this week - a genetically-altered monkey that glows in the dark. The scientists claim the unique primate will be used for medical research and may offer a cure for genetically related disorders such as Parkinson’s Disease. Said the monkey “Hey! Parkinson’s! That’s great. But why don’t you test some sleeping pills on me instead? Do you know how long I’ve been awake? I’m like a lightbulb that never turns off - it’s some real Guantanamo Bay shit yo! I mean the even the inside of my eyelids glow for fuck’s sake. I know it was really hard to get that gene out of the Jellyfish and to stick it in me - and congratulations on figuring it out - but do you know what I have that Jellyfish don’t? Eyes! You furless pink fuckers are certifiable psychos! I swear to god, if I ever get out of my cage I am going to find the dirtiest, most diseased lab rat I can and I’m going to staple it to your face. Then you can see how much fun it is being a hybrid freak. Monkey out!”