Someone Should Tell Jesus to Get A Haircut

The Pope provoked an angry reaction from the gay and lesbian community after stating in a year-end address that mankind needs to be saved from the "destructive blurring of gender". The pope went on to say "Oh by the way have you noticed my new robe? I picked it up from the embroiderer's this morning. Ooh and I got my red pumps polished too! Sometimes a Pope's just got to spoil herself. Well I'm off to not have sex with a woman. Taa Taa!"

And People Wonder Why The Financial System Collapsed

A woman was fired from a prestigious Wall Street firm after it was discovered that her degree was fake and her diploma was bought online. The firm says it has learned its lesson and will no longer accept employment applications from people with a PhD in "Business Stuff" from the "University of Awesomeville".

Suck On That

A men's magazine based out of Sydney Australia was relieved to discover that a missing shipment of 130, 000 pairs of plastic inflatable breasts they were planning to distribute with their December issue turned up in the city of Melbourne. In related news, Melbourne city council has adopted a new municipal nickname, "Melbourne: The City of Confused Babies."

Black Friday: Not Just An Ironic Historical Allusion Anymore

A Walmart employee in Long Island NY was trampled to death by a rush of customers after he opened the doors for the store's annual Black Friday sale. Said one customer, "At least he died defending our constitutional right as Americans to fight like animals over cheap flat panel televisions at 5 AM."