End Of An Era

A new study has found that Cystic Fibrosis only affects Caucasians, and primarily Caucasian men. Said one white male "Well I guess it's about time something shitty happened to us."

Just Elect It And Forget It!

Barack Obama appeared in a half hour infomercial paid for by his campaign this past week, marking the first time a presidential candidate has made it an election promise to "Save you time and money, help you burn fat, and keep your meat moist and tender."

Joe The Who?

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher announced in a radio interview that he would be willing to run for congress in 2010, adding "Unless people completely forget about me and my dime store politics once this election is over - but come on, that's not going to happen, right?"

But For Some Reason Blind People Still Think She's A Tool

Politico.com has revealed that the Republican Party spent $150,000 on a makeover and speech lessons for Sarah Palin. Closer analysis of the expenses shows that her new designer wardrobe cost $149,995, while her "speech lessons" only cost five bucks - suspiciously the same amount it costs to rent ‘Fargo' for a weekend

I Saw 'All The President's Men' On Turner Classic Movies Last Night. Does That Count?

In a new CBS interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin failed to name a single magazine or newspaper she read on a regular basis before being selected as the republican party's VP candidate. In the extended unedited version of the interview, Couric goads Palin on, saying "I think it's about Time you gave US, and by us, I mean The Nation, an answer. People are curious, especially since it's been such a heavy News Week. Most players in Washington Post these facts on their blogs or websites. Voters in the USA Today expect it." after which Palin finally clued in and responded "Well, I do have a subscription to Moose Fancy."

And When You Saw Only One Pair Of Footprints In the Sand, That Was Me Carrying You To Your Local Polling Station

Evangelical preachers across the country have been breaking federal law by using sermons to endorse, or even instruct, their congregations to vote for specific candidates in the upcoming presidential election. When asked whether they would follow their pastors advice, parishioners were split, some saying they would make up their own mind based on the candidates' policies and strengths, others answering "Baaaaa".

How About We Go Back To My Place For Some Diplomatic Relations?

The new president of Pakistan called VP nominee, Sarah Palin "gorgeous" during a meeting at the United Nations. Palin accepted the compliment graciously, but grew more uncomfortable when the Pakistani president continued on, saying "Do you know what's a real hoot? Doing the fortune cookie thing with headlines about you. You know, like ‘Sarah Palin to address concerns she lacks experience ...in bed!' Doesn't that work well? Very sexy, no?"

Hey! Did You Hear? Ruben Studdard Is Black!

Former American Idol star, Clay Aiken officially came out of closet on the cover of this week's People Magazine with a headline reading "Yes, I'm Gay!". Conveniently, the news happened to coincide with 'National Feign Surprise Day'.

It's Not The Size Of Your Rally, It's How You Lie About It

The McCain campaign is being accused of falsely inflating rally attendance figures in order to draw headlines and boost party morale. Many analysts aren't surprised by the accusation, citing the official biography on the McCain website which claims that the senator is "over twelve feet tall, eats fire ants for breakfast, poops rainbows, and was the first man on Mars - but didn't tell anyone because he's just that humble."

Hard On For Hadron

After years of planning and assembly, CERN's Large Hadron Collider was finally started up this week. The record breaking particle accelerator will allow scientists to study the what the universe was like trillions of years ago and answer questions such as "what caused the big bang?", "where did matter come from?", and "what was John McCain like as a young man?".

Too Many Cooks In The Parliament

Thai Prime Minister and part time cooking show host, Samak Sundaravej, has been forced to resign after a court determined that being paid and employed as a TV chef while in office is in violation of the Thai constitution. Samak, defiant of the ruling, declared "Against the constitution? Aw bullshit! This is because I made ‘Dead Baby in Panda sauce with cilantro and Hooker juice' on my last show, isn't it?"

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Canadian Conservative MP Jason Kenney caused a stir after calling Liberal leader Stephane Dion's linguistic skills "bumbling". Dion quickly rebutted, saying "Well if Mr. Kenney is wishing to go into the dirt and play with the mud throwing, then I think Canadians are knowing that the Conservative Party is the wolf wearing the sheep's wool to pull over their eyes. My languistics are top scotch and no one is believing Mr. Kenney's herroneous remarks."

This Is 'Sota!

Four hundred individuals are arrested outside of the Republican Party convention in St. Paul, Minnesota. The St. Paul police chief addressed concerns that the sheer number of arrests was excessive, explaining "One has to keep in mind that only 100 of the arrests were political protesters who got out of hand. The rest were Spartans."

Oh Yeah? Well Our Guy Clears Brush!

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin saved a TV crew from an escaped tiger by jumping into action and shooting the animal with a tranquillizer gun. In other state-sponsored Russian news, Vladimir Putin has put a blue whale in a headlock, punched out a rhinoceros, shot the wings off of a fly with a magnum, and challenged a horse to a "whose dick is bigger" contest - and won.

A Twinkie In Every Pot

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has revealed her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her husband was once arrested for drunk driving. Reacting to the news, Obama has planned public appearances with Jerry Springer, Dale Earnhardt Jr, and Larry the Cable Guy in an attempt to win back some of the white-trash vote.

Does the 'P' Stand for 'Petulent'?

P. Diddy used his video blog to urge the next president to do something about gas prices after complaining that he now has to fly first class on commercial flights instead of using his own private jet. In response, Barack Obama was quoted as saying "Poor guy. I'll get on that right after I buy Paris Hilton that unicorn she's always wanted." while John McCain replied, "P. Diddy? He's one of the Teletubbies, right? My grandkids love that show."

A Mesopotamian Priest Walks Into A Temple...

Archeological researchers have discovered the world's oldest joke and have traced it back to 1900 BC. Said one researcher, "We always anticipated that we would discover some form of ancient recorded humour. What we didn't expect is that it would start with ‘John McCain is so old...'.

Caffeine Crash

Starbucks announced it will be closing 600 of its worst performing locations. Upon hearing the news, one consumer immediately pointed out the silver lining, saying "They're closing my local Starbucks? Oh well, the extra half-block walk to the next one will be good exercise."

There's A Buzz In The Air

Twelve million bees escaped and caused havoc after the truck in which they were being transported overturned on a busy stretch of the Trans-Canada highway. Somewhere in Canada, Stompin' Tom Connors is writing the coolest folk song ever.

Explosive Negotiations

North Korea destroys a cooling tower at one of their nuclear facilities as a sign of commitment to the negotiations aimed at ending their nuclear program. The US delegation was delighted by the news but cautiously asked North Korea "You did remember to turn off the nuclear generator BEFORE you blew up the cooling tower, right?" to which North Korea replied "Ha Ha Ha! Do you really think we would forget do to something as important as that? Of course we did. But now you'll have to excuse me as I have some completely unrelated business to take care of back in Pyonyang. I.... left.... my cat.... in the... dishwasher. Yes, that's it." and then ran off.

Like An iPod For Annoying People

Japanese toy maker, Takara Tomy, has introduced a portable karaoke machine the size of a large mp3 player. The company suggests that owners of the device will have endless fun singing karaoke whenever and wherever they want, and those without the device will have just as much fun playing the popular new subway guessing game "Who is singing karaoke to themselves, and who is just regular crazy?"

Oops, The Spears Have Done It Again

Seventeen year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, sister of Britney Spears, has given birth to a baby girl. Tabloids are already calling the brand new addition to the Spears clan a "Trainwreck", reporting that "She is prone to lengthy fits of uncontrollable crying, is incoherent and appears confused by her surroundings, has short - likely shaved - hair, and has even soiled herself on more than one occasion."

Spare the Rod

The Senate approved an anti-spanking bill this week, sparking loud and colourful protests in front of the Capitol building. However, when it was explained to the leader of the protest that the bill only applies to the spanking of children, he removed his leather-strap ball gag and said "Oh. Never mind then."

The 2000 Year Old Fart

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. Many observers aren't surprised given McCain's previous public remarks about technology, including 1993's "I can't figure out my VCR. I put a tape in and hit play but the screen just keeps blinking 12:00", 1959's "Colour TV? No thank you. Black and White is enough visual stimulus for me.", 1912's "I don't believe in radio; the only things that should travel through the air are birds and clouds.", 1893's "This new fangled telephone apparatus is just a fad. For long distance communication, nothing beats good old fashioned yelling.", and 526 B.C.'s "Smoke signals? Me pee on fire."

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. One Capitol Hill librarian bragged "I could have told you that ages ago. Do you know how many times he's come in here and tried to find ‘The Facebook'?"

When Life Hands You Severed Feet...

Six human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores in recent weeks. The bad news: Police suspect the feet belong to victims of gang related hits. The good news: Canadian and American television producers have been inspired by the gruesome discoveries and are collaborating on a CBC revival/CBS spin-off series titled "CSI: Beachcombers".