A Mesopotamian Priest Walks Into A Temple...

Archeological researchers have discovered the world's oldest joke and have traced it back to 1900 BC. Said one researcher, "We always anticipated that we would discover some form of ancient recorded humour. What we didn't expect is that it would start with ‘John McCain is so old...'.

Caffeine Crash

Starbucks announced it will be closing 600 of its worst performing locations. Upon hearing the news, one consumer immediately pointed out the silver lining, saying "They're closing my local Starbucks? Oh well, the extra half-block walk to the next one will be good exercise."

There's A Buzz In The Air

Twelve million bees escaped and caused havoc after the truck in which they were being transported overturned on a busy stretch of the Trans-Canada highway. Somewhere in Canada, Stompin' Tom Connors is writing the coolest folk song ever.

Explosive Negotiations

North Korea destroys a cooling tower at one of their nuclear facilities as a sign of commitment to the negotiations aimed at ending their nuclear program. The US delegation was delighted by the news but cautiously asked North Korea "You did remember to turn off the nuclear generator BEFORE you blew up the cooling tower, right?" to which North Korea replied "Ha Ha Ha! Do you really think we would forget do to something as important as that? Of course we did. But now you'll have to excuse me as I have some completely unrelated business to take care of back in Pyonyang. I.... left.... my cat.... in the... dishwasher. Yes, that's it." and then ran off.

Like An iPod For Annoying People

Japanese toy maker, Takara Tomy, has introduced a portable karaoke machine the size of a large mp3 player. The company suggests that owners of the device will have endless fun singing karaoke whenever and wherever they want, and those without the device will have just as much fun playing the popular new subway guessing game "Who is singing karaoke to themselves, and who is just regular crazy?"

Oops, The Spears Have Done It Again

Seventeen year old Jamie-Lynn Spears, sister of Britney Spears, has given birth to a baby girl. Tabloids are already calling the brand new addition to the Spears clan a "Trainwreck", reporting that "She is prone to lengthy fits of uncontrollable crying, is incoherent and appears confused by her surroundings, has short - likely shaved - hair, and has even soiled herself on more than one occasion."

Spare the Rod

The Senate approved an anti-spanking bill this week, sparking loud and colourful protests in front of the Capitol building. However, when it was explained to the leader of the protest that the bill only applies to the spanking of children, he removed his leather-strap ball gag and said "Oh. Never mind then."

The 2000 Year Old Fart

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. Many observers aren't surprised given McCain's previous public remarks about technology, including 1993's "I can't figure out my VCR. I put a tape in and hit play but the screen just keeps blinking 12:00", 1959's "Colour TV? No thank you. Black and White is enough visual stimulus for me.", 1912's "I don't believe in radio; the only things that should travel through the air are birds and clouds.", 1893's "This new fangled telephone apparatus is just a fad. For long distance communication, nothing beats good old fashioned yelling.", and 526 B.C.'s "Smoke signals? Me pee on fire."

John McCain admits to being computer illiterate, further reinforcing the perception that he is old and out of touch. One Capitol Hill librarian bragged "I could have told you that ages ago. Do you know how many times he's come in here and tried to find ‘The Facebook'?"

When Life Hands You Severed Feet...

Six human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores in recent weeks. The bad news: Police suspect the feet belong to victims of gang related hits. The good news: Canadian and American television producers have been inspired by the gruesome discoveries and are collaborating on a CBC revival/CBS spin-off series titled "CSI: Beachcombers".

Kiss Your Bootlegged "Road to Avonlea" Tapes Goodbye

The Canadian government is set to pass bill C-61 which would update copyright and piracy laws, making them significantly tougher. Among other changes, the written warnings against illegal reproduction and public broadcast at the beginning of VHS and DVD films will no longer include the word "Please."

Beat Off The Winter Blahs

In their last shipment of supplies before months of darkness, a skeleton crew of researchers at the Antarctica base station have received 16,500 condoms, described as "a year's supply". Said one surprised mainland scientist "I'm starting to wonder if it's really global warming that's melting the icecaps.", to which one of the skeleton crew replied, "Alright, very funny. I know it seems like a lot of condoms, but seriously, have you seen how many penguins we have down here?"

Stop The Presses!

The Associated Press issued a story today with the headline "Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies". This on a day with so many other shockers, including "Doctor performs gallstone removal operation, removes gallstone", "Man drinks lemonade, quenches thirst", "Dog chases car, fails to catch up", and "Associated Press publishes story with predictable outcome, is mocked sarcastically".

So What, Now It's Only For Getting Around The City?

The city of London is set to pass a law making it illegal for subway passengers to drink alcohol on the famous "Underground" system. Many Londoners are upset that drinking will now be limited only to bars, pubs, clubs, restaurants, houses, flats, parks, bus shelters, public washrooms, alleys, phone booths, trees, change rooms, libraries, post offices, police stations, churches, the House of Parliament, and AA meetings.

This Fox Has Fleas

A Fox News employee is suing the company after being repeatedly bitten by bed bugs at work. Although the lawsuit story itself is of little importance, scientists are now curious to determine if bed bugs have an instinctual ability to identify and attack shitty journalism.

Et Tu McClellan?

President Bush was said to be "puzzled" by an advance copy of a harshly critical new memoir by former Press Secretary and Bush loyalist, Scott McClellan - until White House aides explained to the President that if you open the hard flat outside and read all the little black marks on the white bits inside, it tells a story.

What do Tom Jones and Oppressive Southeast Asian Regimes Have in Common?

Praying on the Burmese Generals' superstitious fears that contact with women's underwear will sap them of power, hundreds of female protesters have sent their panties to Burmese embassies all over the world. As a result of the unusual protest, Burmese government offices are receiving frequent calls from thirty year old ‘bachelors' and ‘World of Warcraft enthusiasts' offering to open local branches of the Burmese embassy in their parents' basement.

Would You Care For Some Brains With Your Wafer?

The Catholic church has decreed that a theatrical "Zombie Parade" in the Spanish town of Toledo is blasphemous. The actors defended the event by saying "Oh sure, worship the guy who dies and comes back to life, and then honour him by eating his ‘body' and drinking his ‘blood' at communion. Yeah, our Zombie parade is really out of line with Catholicism."

Because the National Maple Syrup Reserve Won't Guard Itself

This week Canada announced the formation of a new secret-service division of their military. A spokesperson for the government was unable to give out many details about the program due to its highly classified status, but was able to say that "We think Doug will do a great job."

Arrest This Development

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The bad news: It's going to star Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. The good news: the US military will finally have an alternative to waterboarding.

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. At a news conference, the show's producers described it as "a hip, modern, urban comedy about two intelligent and attractive middle aged women", which prompted one journalist to ask "So who do Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher play?".

A new sitcom called "The New Thirty" is being developed as a vehicle for Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher. When the producers were unable to find professional writers willing to pen the first episode, they outsourced the script to a factory in China. The pilot, titled "Much Great Adventure of Cat-Voice and Potato-Face: Funny Housing Arrangement Trouble Yes!", is slated to go into production by mid June.

You've Never Seen So Many 12 Year Olds Run To The Washroom

Carmen Electra has unveiled a new portable stripper pole that she plans on selling under her personal brand name. Although many are skeptical of her claims that it is primarily intended for exercise purposes, everyone agrees that her son's private boys' school is going to have the best damn "Parent Career Day" ever.

Rising to the Flop

David Cook has won the American Idol title and the grand prize that comes with it: his own solo album. In preparation for the album, composers are already hashing out melodies, recording executives are planning marketing campaigns, directors are story-boarding music videos, and CD stores are dusting off their "Clearance: 75% Off" signs.

No Wonder Al Gore Quit Politics

During a recent radio interview, Hillary Clinton cited the example of the Florida recount fiasco from the 2000 Presidential election to bolster her argument that Florida and Michigan must be seated at the Democratic convention and that the number of delegates required to reach the majority is actually 2210, and not 2026 according to the current rules. The radio host asked her "You are talking about the recount where, thanks to some creative accounting, power-brokering, and fudging of the rules, the candidate with the majority of support had the rug pulled out from under his feet by the petulant runner-up, right?", to which Mrs. Clinton replied, "Fuck you."

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame the Gays

California's State Supreme Court has overturned a ban on same sex unions, paving the way for legalized gay marriage in the state. Christian conservatives are outraged saying, "Okay so we were wrong about the earth being flat, and the geocentric universe, and the Spanish inquisition, and the Crusades, and witches, and evolution, but we are sure about this one. Definitely a sin. I can feel my traditional marriage being threatened as we speak."

At Least They Didn't Have to Call an Ambulance

RCMP officers in Kamloops, BC tasered an 82 year old man - three times - while he was in hospital with pneumonia. One of the RCMP officers involved paints the incident as an act of heroism, saying "We tasered him to save his life actually. The old man's heart stopped while we were beating him with our nightsticks, so instead of waiting for some useless doctor to show up with a defibrillator, we gave him a shot of juice then and there. Those taser guns are a heck of a lot more fun to use than boring old paddles anyway. Not that the old coot deserved the help. You know he stole the fruit cup from the man in the bed beside him? Sure the guy is in a coma, but it's still his fruit cup, and anyone who doesn't respect that fact gets what's coming to him. I'll tell you, if it weren't for the RCMP, this country would be overrun by goons and savages drunk on authority."

Faster Than a Speeding Campaign Bus

In a campaign speech, John McCain vowed to fight "evil" if he were to be elected president. Fearing the implications of his vague statement, the Republican election committee made McCain promise that he will under no circumstances dress up like a super hero, especially not in spandex tights that would reveal too much visual information about his 72 year old prostate.