Because There Is Nothing Children Want To Read About More Than The Daily Life Of A Creepy Old Man In A Robe

As part of the celebrations for the Pope’s 82nd birthday, the Vatican published a new illustrated children’s book that outlines the daily routine of the ageing Pontiff. A leaked draft edition of the book revealed these schedule details from the Pope’s private daytimer:

6:00 am: Wake up.
6:03 am: Stare at morning wood wistfully.
6:05 am: Pray for an end to hunger, war, and poverty - and for a pony.
6:30 am: Sneak into Cardinals’ bedrooms. Wake them up by putting shaving cream on their hands, then tickling their noses.
7:00 am: Breakfast of bacon, ham, and sausage.
7:03 am: Feel sorry for Jews and Muslims because of their dietary restrictions.
7:45 am: Extended bathroom session due to greasy runs.
7:47 am: Seriously consider becoming a Jew or Muslim for their dietary restrictions.
8:43 am: Wipe and walk it off. Time to shake and bake, baby.
8:55 am: Pick hat for the day. Modest skull cap or “Tower of Power”? Go with big hat - I’m feeling saucy!
9:00 am: Go wave from balcony. Give blessing in Esperanto for fun.
9:30 am: Settle down with big bowl of Froot Loops and watch Spongebob DVDs.
11:00 am: Go meet world leaders, greet dignitaries, sign stuff, and other miscellaneous BS.
1:00 pm: Lunch in the caf. Today’s choices: “Lamb of God” with mint sauce, or “The Lord is my Shepherd’s Pie”.
1:12 pm: Start jello fight with Desmond Tutu.
2:00 pm: Smiling lessons with Hernando. He’s hilarious!
2:30 pm: Bitch session with the Bishops over pedis and wine re: gays and female priests.
4:00 pm: Lock self in office with secretly obtained condoms. Try to figure out what the big deal is.
4:04 pm: Balloon animals!
4:20 pm: Less shaking, more baking - if you know what I mean.
4:55 pm: Dump ashes and return dangly incense thingy to basilica.
5:10 pm: Go in search of ANYTHING with melted cheese on it.
5:30 pm: Prank call Richard Dawkins. That guy is such a sphincter!
5:45 pm: Curl up in comfy chair and catch up on a few chapters of Harry Potter.
6:30 pm: Dinner. Mac and cheese with sliced hot dog and ketchup. My favourite!
6:55 pm: Make popcorn for movie night with the Nuns. Pray they didn’t pick ‘Sister Act’ again.
7:00 pm: ‘March of the Penguins’! Those Nuns are droll...
9:00 pm: Watch news. See if I’m on.
9:30 pm: Retire to private chambers.
9:35 pm: Dial first six digits of ex-girlfriend’s number. Hang up.
9:45 pm: Get ready for bed. Catch sight of naked self in mirror while changing.
9:48 pm: Masturbate furiously.
10:00 pm: Cry self to sleep.