Cooking The Book And Lyrics

Former Broadway producers Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb were found guilty of fraud this week after an investigation determined that the financial statements of their once successful company, Livent, were frequently tampered with. In his ruling the judge proclaimed “Sadly, your situation reminds me of one of my favourite movies, The Producers. And like the characters Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom, you too will be going to jail.” after which Gottlieb leaned over to Drabinsky and whispered “I told you we should have watched it to the end!”

A Basketball Player Being A Douchebag? Now There's A Surprise

NBA star Chris Bosh has come under fire for denying being the father of his ex-girlfriend’s baby and refusing to pay for child support - this despite the fact that he arranged for the fertility drugs that helped his ex-girlfriend get pregnant and a DNA test proving the child is his. Nevertheless Bosh maintained his defence, saying “There is no resemblance between me and that baby. Look at me, I’m six foot ten and 230 pounds. That baby is like a foot and a half tall and five pounds at most. Anybody that thinks that we are related is dumber than Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal put together. I’d call the creature Shaqles O’Kley! Or Charille Barneal! Ooh that one rhymes! I am a fancy man. Who wants to have sex with me? I’ll buy you fertility drugs if you do!”

The Pope May Be Old And Feeble, But At Least His Grasp On Logic Is Firm

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.” An aide quickly whispered something in the Pope’s ear, to which he replied “Seriously? I thought AIDS was just the medical term for ‘foreskin dryness’. Boy, I am really not well informed, am I?”

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.”, adding, “As always, I recommend sexual abstinence - because really, why should I have to suffer alone?”

The Pope has come under fire for comments he made during a recent trip to Africa. While speaking about strategies to combat the AIDS epidemic plaguing the continent, Pope Benedict said “You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem.” adding, “And as long as I’m on a roll here: the Gays invented cancer, reading Darwin causes blindness, and Protestants are all donkey fuckers. Yeah, that’s right, progressive intellectuals, this Pope has cojones. Bring it on!”

The Animators Better Start Learning How To Draw A Training Bra

Nickelodeon, the company behind Dora the Explorer has decided to turn the popular character into a teenager in order to stay relevant to the show’s maturing audience. The transformation is going to be marked by a series of special full length episodes including “Dora Explores French Kissing”, “Dora’s Piercing Gets Infected” and “Dora’s Mom is a Huge Bitch Who Won’t Let Dora Do Anything and Just Doesn’t Understand”.

Nickelodeon, the company behind Dora the Explorer has decided to turn the popular character into a teenager in order to stay relevant to the show’s maturing audience. Good news for all the perverts out there who enjoy masturbating to Dora the Explorer but have always felt a little bit guilty about her age.

Of Balls And Bailouts

AIG has raised the ire of the federal government and the American people after disclosing that it plans to use 165 million dollars of public bailout money to pay for the bonuses of the very Executives who nearly bankrupted the once prosperous insurance giant. AIG defended the decision, citing their new company slogan “Bonuses - Completely Unrelated to Performance Since 2009”.

AIG has raised the ire of the federal government and the American people after disclosing that it plans to use 165 million dollars of public bailout money to pay for the bonuses of the very Executives who nearly bankrupted the once prosperous insurance giant. Said the mother of one of the Executives “I don’t understand how my son could have grown up to be so audacious. One time, when he was a child, he broke a neighbours window while playing baseball, so I did the responsible thing and paid for the window myself then raised his allowance... Oh wait, I see the problem now.”

Race To Which Movie?

Disney’s new movie, “Race to Witch Mountain” opens this weekend. It wasn’t originally supposed to be a sequel in the “Witch Mountain” franchise, but the title, “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Helps Aliens Abduct Children” didn’t test well.

Jacko Decides To Take His Own Advice And Beat It

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career - causing at least one reporter to exclaim “Holy shit! That mannequin just talked!”

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career. In other music news, Joaquin Phoenix announced the details of his very first hip hop concert - also expected to be the last public performance of his career.

Michael Jackson announced in a press conference today that he will be returning to the stage in a series of high profile concerts that will be the last public performances of his career. Jackson didn’t rule out future private concerts, but said he would only consider select events like children’s hospital fundraisers, kids’ birthday parties, the opening of a new playground - you know, innocent stuff like that.

Free Smile With Every Purchase

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. When asked if Walmart was attempting to track down the person responsible for the strange incident, a spokesperson replied “Well, we did tell our staff to be on the lookout for any customers missing 10 or more teeth, but that didn’t narrow it down much.”

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. A spokesperson for Walmart apologized for the incident, saying “We don’t understand how this could have happened. Our quality control department does its best to ensure that every wallet comes with at least 14 human teeth.”

A customer complained to staff at a Massachusetts Walmart after he found 10 human teeth stuffed in one of their wallets. A spokesperson for Walmart apologized for the incident, saying “I can understand that finding human teeth in the change purse of a wallet would be disturbing, and let me be the first to say that our company will no longer accept product returns from the Tooth Fairy.”

Turns Out All That Brush He Cleared Was Spotted Owl Habitat

It has been revealed that one of George W. Bush’s last actions as President was to send out a memo to federal agencies instructing them not to bother consulting with wildlife experts before undertaking any projects that might harm endangered species. Bush defended his decision saying “I only issued that memo so the Illinois State Senate could impeach Rod Blagojevic without having to worry about that thing living on his forehead. ”

It has been revealed that one of George W. Bush’s last actions as President was to send out a memo to federal agencies instructing them not to bother consulting with wildlife experts before undertaking any projects that might harm endangered species. In response, Kanye West is already recording a new single, “George Bush doesn’t care about Panda Bears”.

Smokin' Hot (Box) Pussy

A man in Omaha Nebraska was arrested after he stuffed his cat into a homemade plexiglass box he was using as an oversized marijuana pipe. When asked why he put his cat in the smoke-filled box the man answered “Dude, I own a bong the size of a microwave oven. Do you really think I know?”

Culture Clash

Two nuclear submarines belonging to the French and English navies collided in a narrow trench of the Atlantic Ocean this week. The official report calls the mishap a freak accident, but many claim that the collision could have been avoided if the French submarine’s sonar system was not programmed to ignore any signals received in English.

Don't Tase Me Bro, Bro, Bro, and Bro!

Although still early in its proceedings, the official inquiry into the death of Robert Dziekanski at the hands of four taser-wielding RCMP officers has revealed a number of surprises, including this excerpt from the RCMP training manual:

Section 5.2
Justifiable and Proportional Taser Deployment Scenarios:

5 Officers vs. Visible Minority Removing Wallet From Jacket too Quickly
4 Officers vs. Polish Immigrant Wielding Stapler
3 Officers vs. Hippie Pointing Finger
2 Officers vs. Old Lady Shoplifting
1 Officer vs. Quadriplegic Refusing to Put Wheelchair Seatbelt On
1 Officer vs. Crying Baby in Movie Theatre*

*In this scenario, the mother of the perpetrator (infant) has a tendency to becomes irrationally upset. If this occurs, the officer is permitted to taser her as well.

Somebody Needs A Time-Out

R&B singer Chris Brown was charged on Thursday with assault and making criminal threats after allegedly beating his girlfriend Rhiana. The police report includes details of Brown repeatedly biting Rhiana, and at one point putting her in a headlock - proving that Chris Brown not only looks like an 8 year old, but fights like one too.

Someone Should Tell Jesus to Get A Haircut

The Pope provoked an angry reaction from the gay and lesbian community after stating in a year-end address that mankind needs to be saved from the "destructive blurring of gender". The pope went on to say "Oh by the way have you noticed my new robe? I picked it up from the embroiderer's this morning. Ooh and I got my red pumps polished too! Sometimes a Pope's just got to spoil herself. Well I'm off to not have sex with a woman. Taa Taa!"

And People Wonder Why The Financial System Collapsed

A woman was fired from a prestigious Wall Street firm after it was discovered that her degree was fake and her diploma was bought online. The firm says it has learned its lesson and will no longer accept employment applications from people with a PhD in "Business Stuff" from the "University of Awesomeville".

Suck On That

A men's magazine based out of Sydney Australia was relieved to discover that a missing shipment of 130, 000 pairs of plastic inflatable breasts they were planning to distribute with their December issue turned up in the city of Melbourne. In related news, Melbourne city council has adopted a new municipal nickname, "Melbourne: The City of Confused Babies."

Black Friday: Not Just An Ironic Historical Allusion Anymore

A Walmart employee in Long Island NY was trampled to death by a rush of customers after he opened the doors for the store's annual Black Friday sale. Said one customer, "At least he died defending our constitutional right as Americans to fight like animals over cheap flat panel televisions at 5 AM."

End Of An Era

A new study has found that Cystic Fibrosis only affects Caucasians, and primarily Caucasian men. Said one white male "Well I guess it's about time something shitty happened to us."

Just Elect It And Forget It!

Barack Obama appeared in a half hour infomercial paid for by his campaign this past week, marking the first time a presidential candidate has made it an election promise to "Save you time and money, help you burn fat, and keep your meat moist and tender."

Joe The Who?

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher announced in a radio interview that he would be willing to run for congress in 2010, adding "Unless people completely forget about me and my dime store politics once this election is over - but come on, that's not going to happen, right?"

But For Some Reason Blind People Still Think She's A Tool

Politico.com has revealed that the Republican Party spent $150,000 on a makeover and speech lessons for Sarah Palin. Closer analysis of the expenses shows that her new designer wardrobe cost $149,995, while her "speech lessons" only cost five bucks - suspiciously the same amount it costs to rent ‘Fargo' for a weekend

I Saw 'All The President's Men' On Turner Classic Movies Last Night. Does That Count?

In a new CBS interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin failed to name a single magazine or newspaper she read on a regular basis before being selected as the republican party's VP candidate. In the extended unedited version of the interview, Couric goads Palin on, saying "I think it's about Time you gave US, and by us, I mean The Nation, an answer. People are curious, especially since it's been such a heavy News Week. Most players in Washington Post these facts on their blogs or websites. Voters in the USA Today expect it." after which Palin finally clued in and responded "Well, I do have a subscription to Moose Fancy."

And When You Saw Only One Pair Of Footprints In the Sand, That Was Me Carrying You To Your Local Polling Station

Evangelical preachers across the country have been breaking federal law by using sermons to endorse, or even instruct, their congregations to vote for specific candidates in the upcoming presidential election. When asked whether they would follow their pastors advice, parishioners were split, some saying they would make up their own mind based on the candidates' policies and strengths, others answering "Baaaaa".

How About We Go Back To My Place For Some Diplomatic Relations?

The new president of Pakistan called VP nominee, Sarah Palin "gorgeous" during a meeting at the United Nations. Palin accepted the compliment graciously, but grew more uncomfortable when the Pakistani president continued on, saying "Do you know what's a real hoot? Doing the fortune cookie thing with headlines about you. You know, like ‘Sarah Palin to address concerns she lacks experience ...in bed!' Doesn't that work well? Very sexy, no?"

Hey! Did You Hear? Ruben Studdard Is Black!

Former American Idol star, Clay Aiken officially came out of closet on the cover of this week's People Magazine with a headline reading "Yes, I'm Gay!". Conveniently, the news happened to coincide with 'National Feign Surprise Day'.